Top 10 totally unrealistic Spring Fling headliner suggestions

Last week, BØRNS revealed via an inadvertent leak on his Facebook page that he would be performing at Spring Fling on May 1. It remains unclear whether the indie pop artist of Hulu commercial fame will be headlining this year, and since the announcement, speculation about other potential headliners has run rampant. Assuming the name has yet to be unveiled, will this year’s artist have the star-power of a Childish Gambino? The nostalgic appeal of a Nelly? The hometown heart of a Guster? Or will Concert Board throw us a complete curveball and invite someone literally no one expected? With so many questions surrounding the event, allow us to throw out a few (bonkers, totally unrealistic) suggestions.

1. Akon

Believe it or not, there are already some rumors out there that the R&B artist who dominated the early aughts may actually be headlining this year. Just imagine the pandemonium that would break out in the crowd when Akon opened with an old bar-mitzvah standard like “Smack That” (2006) or the sea of lighters that would sway from side-to-side when he closed with 2004’s “Lonely.”  It would be the most enjoyable trip down memory lane since the last time you back-stalked yourself on Facebook.

2. Rihanna

Having just released her latest album “ANTI” (which, incidentally, received a very favorable review from The Daily, wink-wink nudge-nudge) in January, Ri-Ri is perfectly poised to perform a dope set at Spring Fling. All over campus, students have been blasting “Work” in their dorm rooms and quietly perfecting the choreography. And if Drake shows up to rap the guest verse? Forget it. People would go nuts. And while we’re on the subject of everyone’s favorite Canadian rapper … 

3. Drake

What better way for rap’s hottest commodity to ring in #drizzyseason than by performing here, at Tufts? Maybe @champagnepapis latest single, “Summer Sixteen” (2016), is a sly nod to the appearance he’s slated for this May. Granted, the concert doesn’t take place in the summer. And it’s called Spring Fling, not Summer Fling … Oh, just go with it, okay. 

4. LCD Soundsystem

LCD Soundsystem announced it was reuniting this past December, and is now scheduled to perform at several music festivals including Lollapalooza, Glastonbury and Coachella, where it will finally and permanently break up. With such a small window of time in which to see the legendary group perform, why not get them here for one last hurrah? After all, we’d all like a final opportunity to dance ourselves clean. 

5. Beyoncé

Sure, getting Queen Bey to grace Tufts with her divine presence might seem like a tall order. Sure, there are literally a million other better things she could be doing with her time, like shopping for matching jumpsuits with Blue Ivy or starting a charity initiative to get hot sauce in everyone’s bag. And sure, she tends to perform at slightly bigger venues, like the Super Bowl. But just think of the collective freakout that would ensue if she were announced as our headliner. It would be like the time Malia Obama toured campus times a million.

6. Kendrick Lamar

“Levitate, levitate, levitate, levitate.”

7. Kanye West

Kanye’s been on a bit of a creative tear since he debuted his latest album, “The Life of Pablo” in February. He’s promised to release two more albums this year, and he’s been dropping new singles left and right, in addition to tweaking stuff on “The Life Of Pablo.” So it might not seem like he has time to stop by Tufts. But there’s an upside in it for him: if we’re taking him at his word that he’s currently $53 million dollars in the hole, performing at Spring Fling would help him pay off a little bit of that debt.

8. Justin Timberlake

Like Neil Patrick Harris, JT is a triple-threat. He can sing. He can dance. He can act. He is the consummate entertainer. And now that he’s a new father, his act would probably involve a lot of cute little anecdotes about his baby son between songs. Plus, N’SYNC reunion, anyone?

9. Taylor Swift

Ok, hear us out. She just won Best Album of the Year at the Grammy’s, she’s evolving as an artist and her concert would be hella fun, even if you’re iffy on her music. What’s more, her older stuff would make most of us nostalgic for a high school experience we didn’t even have. And isn’t that what Spring Fling is all about — false nostalgia?

10. Run the Jewels

Please. Please. This would be so dope.