Vincent Adultman, a character from “BoJack Horseman” (2014 – present), a Netflix original animated series, always gives the best advice. He is deceptively mature despite the fact that he is just three small children stacked on top of one another under a trench coat. No one except for BoJack seems to notice this, because Vincent Adultman is able to give wise and helpful advice to anyone who asks. Whenever you find yourself facing a difficult question, just think to yourself, “WWVAS?” (“What would Vincent Adultman say?”). Here are his (their?) best quotes in response to difficult questions you might face in your day-to-day life:
1. When you are trying to apologize to anyone, including friends, family and professors: “I had a attitude problem, but then I took a timeout, and I thought about what I did.” This is the perfect way to apologize to someone without actually saying you’re sorry. You don’t even have to have taken a timeout to use this response; the idea of repenting for your mistakes is enough to get you off the hook.
2. When an interviewer asks you what your interests are: “Mmm…I like business…uh…transactions?” If you keep your answer completely vague and you sound extremely unsure of yourself, your potential future employers will be eager to learn more about you. What kind of businesses? Which transactions? Always keep interviewers on their toes.
3. When you are trying to impress your date at a bar or club: “Would you like a alcohol?” You can subtly mention the intentional assonance of “a alcohol,” despite your disregard for grammatical rules, and your date will practically fall at your feet. People are suckers for rhetorical devices and lessons on grammar.
4. When you are trying to get out of going to your friend’s event: “I have to call the guy at the office to take the car to the place.” You have things to do. That guy at the office, though he may be fictional, can’t take the car to the place without your help. You don’t want your fictional world to fall apart, do you? Utilizing the guilt-trip in conjunction with this line on said friend is guaranteed to get you out of anything.
5. When your parents ask what you’re doing on a Friday night: “Um…adult stuff?” Pretty self-explanatory. Don’t go into the details.
6. When you need to explain yourself after messing up big-time: “I promise you, there is an explanation for all this.” There may or may not be an explanation for everything, but using this line buys you 10 seconds — think fast.
7. When your friends ask how you want to spend the afternoon: “Let’s go feel the grass between our toes.” It may be really cold outside now, but the sentiment remains the same. If you or your friends seem stressed out, suggest taking a personal day. Your future self will be grateful.
8. When your parents ask what you’ve been doing all day: “I went to the stock market today. I did a business.” Who cares if you’re a biology major and know absolutely nothing about stocks? Your parents will hear “did” and “went” and just be happy that you didn’t spend the entire day sleeping or binge-watching “Lost” (2004 – 2010) in your pajamas.
9. When your friend asks you how they look: “Business-wise, this all seems like appropriate business!” They just need positive reassurance, and this will give it to them.
10. When you greet another adult: “Hello, other grown up.” You have to assert your dominance by making sure they know you are also, in fact, a grown up.
Thank you, Vincent Adultman, for making answering questions in the adult world just that much easier.