Finals got you down? Fear not, because Kesha is coming on Saturday to save us all from the doom and gloom. She is our saviour. She is the light at the end of the tunnel. She is the hero we need AND the hero we deserve. We must celebrate this joyous occasion of the coming of the great “Warrior” (2012) by honoring her in every way possible. “But how do I make myself worthy of presentation to the goddess of glitter?” you ask. Not all humans are capable of this great feat (but most cats are). There is, however, a way. I present to you: the top 10 ways to prepare yourself for Kesha.
1. Load up on body glitter. Go to Amazon right now and, if you haven’t already, order a set of body glitter or three because you will want to immerse yourself in the glitter culture that will take over this campus on Saturday.
2. Watch the Just Dance videos for “C’mon” (2012), “Die Young” (2012), and “Timber” (2012) religiously until you can do them in your sleep.
You want to be prepared for these songs! You don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t know how to “swing [their] partner round and round” properly, do you?!
3. Buy a ton of glitter to throw everywhere. Add regular glitter to your Amazon order. You’re going to want extra glitter that’s not going on your body to throw at your friends, neighbors and random passersby who have no idea what’s going on but will be forced into fabulousness nonetheless.
4. Cats. Get one, tattoo one on your arm, or stick them on your sweatshirt. Get some cat stickers (think Lisa Frank – her artwork is an incredibly accurate representation of the spirit of Kesha depicted on a folder). Only in this way can you join Kesha’s cat cult. It wouldn’t hurt to buy a laser cat. Together, we can rule the galaxy!
5. Put edible glitter into everything you eat and drink. Oops, go back to Amazon. I forgot — you need to buy edible glitter so that not only can you WEAR it but you can INGEST it too! I can’t guarantee it meets all dietary restrictions but if you won’t eat glitter for Kesha then GTFO.
6. Become glitter. Or just skip Amazon and dissolve into a giant pile of glitter. Become a true American hero.
7. Brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. It’s Kesha’s morning routine, and therefore, in order to emulate the full essence of her being, you must do it.
8. Yell “Timber!” every five minutes. But instead of a tree falling down, it will just be a pile of glitter. You better still move and dance, though.
9. Replace every S with a $. In all your texts, replace every S with a $. You can do this for your essays as well. I would also recommend doing this in your everyday speech, but you might have to get a bit creative because the letter ‘S’ is very common in the human language…
10. Check with P. Diddy to ask how he feels every morning, and then do what he says. If he’s just like, “I like to take a nice brisk walk and then read a good book,” then that’s kind of anticlimactic and ill-fitting for the events unfolding on Saturday, but at least you will know how to “wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.”
Bonus: Buy a rubber unicorn head. If we get enough people to do this, we can reenact the video for “Blow” (2011). Someone get me a gun that shoots rainbows.