Well, folks, spring break is upon us. One whole glorious week of relaxation and warm weather (unless you’re going somewhere cold. In which case, I’m so sorry). Assuming you’re going on vacation, or at least seeing the sun, there are lots of things I’m sure you’re looking forward to. You probably won’t be lacking in things to do. However, there are some things that you should definitely not do. If you’re going to one of those warm places that’s, well, not exactly known for its safety, you might want to heed my warnings. Here are the top ten things to definitely NOT DO over spring break.
1. Get abducted in a foreign country
It’s true that spring break locales are probably not as dangerous as the media makes them out to be. But maybe don’t stray too far from the city by yourself, mmk?
2. Join a drug cartel
Same disclaimer as before: You’re probably not going to be in that bad of an area. But like, if you’re offered a sketchy drug it might not be a good idea to try it. And if you’re offered to sell said sketchy drug, that might not be worth it. I mean, have you seen “Blow” (2001)? Or “Archer” (2009-2015) season five?
3. Butcher your Spanish/French/other foreign language when speaking to the locals
Wherever you go, it might be fun to try speaking the local language. It’s good practice and might even help you pass your Spanish 003 class! But communication is really the goal, and if they can’t understand you then maybe you’re better off just speaking English… or not speaking at all!
4. Forget sunscreen
I know you want to get tan, but I can tell you right now you don’t want to come back looking like a tomato. Just saying.
5. Get an awkward tan by falling asleep with your headphones in
Let’s say you don’t forget your sunscreen — you should still try not to look ridiculous. Common bad tan patterns include: book, headphones, sunglasses (if you’re not skiing out west, it’s best to avoid goggle tan) and watch. Be mindful of what is blocking the sun from your skin, and if you forget then don’t come to me complaining about it.
6. Miss your flight
All around bad things happen here. You should check in online before reaching the airport if possible, and definitely leave yourself extra time for possible problems in traffic, security, customs and the Dunkin’ Donuts line. Oh, and definitely don’t leave your passport at home because, speaking from experience, it’s not a pleasant feeling.
7. Get sick from sketchy food
I know that street vendor’s food might smell soooo good — and it’s so cheap! — but you’re on vacation, and vacations suck when you spend the whole time being sick. This is probably more common than you think, so be careful! If you’re really smart, you’ll bring a Brita to filter all the water you drink too.
8. Watch Netflix the whole time
If you’re staying at home, binge watching your favorite show (who has time for “House of Cards” (2013-present) season three during midterms??) is understandable, but for goodness sake, if it’s nice out, at least go for a walk. Unless it starts snowing again (dear God, please no), you don’t have much of an excuse.
9. Get arrested in a foreign country
Remember when I told you not to become a drug dealer, and then you went ahead and did it anyway? This is why we can’t have nice things.
Yeah, I know, I have a thesis to write too but it’s called spring BREAK for a reason (not, I don’t know, spring reading period). Get it all done on the plane, or don’t do it at all, but gosh darn it you need this break more than ever before. Look at all the cold and snow you had to go through! You deserve it, champ. Go be freeeee!