The one where the SWUGs go on spring break

Dear SWUG,

I’m so pumped to get off of this snowy campus and leave on a jet plane to someplace warm. Can you give me some tips on how to have a v SWUGGY spring break?

– Spring Break Foreverrrrr

Dear Spring Break Foreverrrrr,

It’s finally here! A break from the madness! If you’re anything like me — and I’m guessing you are since the majority of Tufts hails from both the tribe and the tri-state area — you’ve booked a trip to a warm place, far away from these frozen fractals all around. But even if you’re staying nearby or just going home, spring break provides a lovely respite from this “spring?” snowmester. Here are some of my tips on how to have the safest and SWUGgiest spring break ever:

  1. We’re getting older, and you know what that means? WRINKLES! Wear sunscreen. All over your body. Re-apply it as often as possible. Wear a hat. Buy a linen onesie. Sources tell me that rash guards are in right now. You can always get a spray tan when you’re back in Boston, but you can’t always get rid of sun damage.
  2. The buddy system is crucial. Find a thunder buddy! Make sure you know where the other is at all times, especially at night. If you’re in a place without cell service, invest in some walkie-talkies or a vuvuzela. Make sure you and your buddy avoid any man that resembles James Franco from the movie “Spring Breakers” (2012).
  3. Make sure you figure out the money situation at your SWUG break destination ahead of time. Will they take U.S. dollars? Bitcoin? Your Hanukkah check? “Broke in Paradise” does not sound like a sexy beach read.
  4. If you’re planning on having a rowdy spring break, refer back to tip #2! I’ve watched enough “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” (2000-Present) to know that it’s better to be sober than sorry. Do not let random people buy you drinks. Do not leave your drink sitting out and about. There have been enough spring break horror stories that your parents have the right to be concerned.
  5. If you are traveling abroad, bring a fanny pack to keep your money strapped to your muffin top at all times. And remember to keep your passport either in the safe in your hotel room or strapped tightly to your fupa.
  6. Have you ever thought about how romantic it would be to meet an attractive foreign lover while on a vacation? Well, think again eager beaver! This random person could be a serial killer or a never-nude. You’re not on a college campus anymore, and stranger danger is a very real thing.
  7. Do you have an assignment due on the Monday after break? Try to do it before you leave school or at least during the beginning of break. Chances are you’ll be wiped from a week of partying and the last thing you’ll want to do is write that Chaucer paper. Think ahead, and then, in the words of Donna Meagle, treat yo self after.
  8. Going somewhere warm for break? We’ve been living in the Arctic for the past few months and our bodies are not adjusted to the sun. Bring lots of deodorant and drinks lots of water. Nothing says hot like passing out in the ocean.
  9. Keep in touch with your parents. They are probably freaking out about you going on one of these shady trips, and that they will have no way to contact you. Appease them. Especially if they are funding said trip.

Be safe. Be sunscreened. Be SWUG.