Where the wild SWUGs are

During a recent trek through the arctic to visit campus, I stopped by The Rez, decked out in an excess of Tufts apparel to fill up on over-priced bulk coffee. During this visit, a bold Rez employee had the audacity to ask me if I was a prospective student*, to which I responded with a less than flattering answer: “I was learning multiplication tables before you were even born.” She took thirty cents off of my coffee for the mistake. I walked off feeling giddy that I still look like I’m 17, and concurrently, concerned that I still look like I’m 17. To ensure that mistakes like these will no longer occur on campus, here are some tips for how to spot SWUGs in the wild. I’ll be pitching this idea as a documentary for Planet Earth later this month, so I’m trusting you all to not take my idea and turn it into a reality show before I do.

*In this Rez employee’s defense, I haven’t grown since the seventh grade, and I had just done some serious damage at the bookstore on my father’s credit card (sorry Bob).

SWUGs will only venture onto campus when necessary. These necessary engagements include (but are not limited to):

Class (sometimes); a free meal swipe in Dewick (not yours, of course); an event with free food; a sex tape being filmed on campus; puppy therapy in the library; a need to print something; an interview; to drop off a form that can’t be emailed; a decently themed frat party; risking your life to take a snowy insta of the quad; a gym session (because spring breaaaaaak!!); A Journey to the Center of the Earth: an underwhelming adventure to check out the new Commons; graduation.

SWUGs are usually seen wearing:

1. Tufts Gear. Since we only have a few more months during which this is considered acceptable wear, we must milk it for all it is worth. Over the years we’ve spent thousands of dollars on neon tank tops emblazoned with stupid puns. Most of these items of clothing will soon be passed down to younger students, Goodwill or Somerville landfills. Embrace the “college” look while ya can!

2. A hiding hat. Do you ever notice that big sunglasses and baseball hats make more of an appearance on hungover Sundays? Well, senior year is a perpetual hungover Sunday. Us SWUGs can be spotted hiding beneath our oversized sunglasses, unflattering hats and our furry Canada Goose hoods (sorry?). We don’t want to be seen, and we definitely don’t want to see you. Don’t poke the bear.

3. SWUGs are (usually) never seen wearing something scandalous or provocative.** This was appropriate our freshman and sophomore years, when we were relevant and active members of the hookup scene. Now as SWUGs, we are just trying to blend in as much as possible (or stand out looking as absurd as possible). A pajama themed party!? All aboard the Onesie Express! Call on Me? More like Call on Meh. Spanx over spandex, am I right? Also heels are a definite no unless you’re attending a date function, or you hate yourself and your feet. There’s going to be snow on the ground until May, so Ugg boots it is.

I hope this helps clear up any confusion about what a SWUG looks like in the wild, and why they might be spotted on campus. If a SWUG you know comes out of hibernation, please give them a hug. We’re past the 100-day-mark until graduation and ’tis the season for job rejections. To quasi-quote my favorite childhood book, “Where The Wild SWUGs Are,” “Let the wild rumpus start!” XOXO, SWUG

**Exceptions to this rule include “I’m feeling really skinny after the stomach flu” and “but my crush RSVP’ed attending on Facebook.”