Dear SWUG,
How does a SWUG celebrate Halloween?
— Senior Washed Up Ghost

Dear Senior Washed Up Ghost,
To quote “Mean Girls” (2004), a.k.a. the greatest film of all time, “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

In the SWUG world, Halloween isn’t just a one day affair, it’s a week-long marathon of mixers, costumes, sugar and insanity. It’s a week long excuse to do exactly what you’ve already been doing all year. You can wear whatever you want, and no one can say anything about it because no one really cares. You can drink as much as you want because you always do. You can eat as much candy as you want because “cheat week, duh.” Celebrate like you’ll never have another Halloween again, because you won’t. It’s your last chance to dress as a sexy Ebola nurse and get compliments and not snarls. Or it’s your last chance to wear that giant orange jump suit and be the convict you’ve always dreamed about since you were a little tyke. Leave behind a legacy of epic costumes and even more epic candy consumption. Everyone knows that what you are for Halloween your senior year is what you will be for the rest of your life. Experiment with sexy career choices like a policeman or a Teletubby. It’s a trial run for the real world, and the perfect opportunity to go door to door in Somerville and Medford asking people if you look like a real consultant or medical school student. People love when you ring their doorbells and ask them a lot of questions. I plan on dressing up as the scariest thing I can think of: my freshman year self.
Drink or Treat,
SWUG

Dear SWUG,
I was recently invited to Screw for a men’s sports team, but then uninvited a few days later. Should I be insulted? What should I do?
— Screwed out of a Date

Dear Screwed out of a Date,
It sounds like this guy is a real keeper and he’s just playing hard to get. So here’s what you do: Go buy a hot dress, get your hair did and pull up those spanx. Who needs an invite to Screw anyway? Everyone will be so drunk that no one will notice that your invite was revoked, and they’ll just be happy to see another drunk face. Bring your own handle of Rubinoff and blend in with the crowd. When you see your old Screw date with his new date, go up to him and pretend like someone else invited you. He’ll be so jealous of your new imaginary date, and you’ll be lookin’ fiiiine. Flirt and make out with multiple teammates to make it seem like you’re a fun lovin’ gal who’s just looking for a good time. If anyone does question you, just offer them a swig from your handle … you’re a generous screw date, too! When the night begins to wind down and people start to pair off, lure him back to your room with the promise of a calzone. When the calzone comes, kick him out of the house, eat the calzone and go to bed. Who needs a Screw date when there’s a buffchick calzone in your life?!
Save me a piece,
SWUG


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