The campus is officially in a slump. Personally, I'm so tired and overworked that sitting in Carmichael next to what must be an early hominid loudly masticating a bagel and cream cheese is such an acute assault on the senses that it just may induce an aneurysm. Disappointing midterms grades, the accumulating anxiety from falling behind in work, not getting enough sleep, three days of rain each week, stuffy noses, fading tans and the encroaching onset of weather that will turn your nipples hard as diamonds — it's enough to send any first-world college-educated WASP into a spiraling depression. In light of this ubiquitous plight, I hereby declare this week National Mediocrity, Disenchantment and Low Self-Esteem Week and will now recommend several soul-saving elixirs that can help you keep plugging along.
Coffee: Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, coffee is thought to date back to the 13th century when Ethiopian ancestors of the modern Oromo people discovered the energizing effects of the coffee bean. Fast-forward to Oct. 26, 2011, 8:42 a.m., Carmichael Dining Hall, Medford, Mass. I'm pounding down a piping hot cup of fair trade Colombian, skim milk, one Splenda and the sensation is intoxicating — indeed, caffeine is arousing to me in every sense of the word. If you are lucky enough to possess the genetic material to maintain homeostasis without this holy drug, you're a far more independent human than I. Possible side effects: bad breath, pulmonary embolism.
SelfControl: What? No, not the real kind. It's an application for Macs, and it's a godsend. It allows you to create a blacklist of distracting websites and set a timer that will block them. You can't quit or uninstall the application. You must wait for the timer to run out — trust me, this is the real deal.
Dumb Friends: Or at least dumber than you. There's this novel social psychological concept called downward social comparison, and it's really revolutionary. Believe it or not, being around people that are less successful than you is great for self-esteem. If you can't find any dumb friends, sit in the convo area of Tisch near a frazzled looking study group and do some eavesdropping. As long as you aren't the number one most pathetic sucker in town, you should be able to muster the confidence to make it through to the weekend.
Wikipedia: Remember that fun fact about Ethiopians and coffee? Kick back and imagine how long it would have taken Charles Tufts to uncover that little tidbit. Card catalogues, call numbers, cracking open and dusting off leather-bound books, using an index instead of Command+ F or, God forbid, even having to read the entire source — so quaint. With Wikipedia, research is a breeze. Fairly reliable sources with scholarly citations at the bottom? Don't mind if I do.
Perspective: Like this: "Hey Dad, I'm pregnant… JK, but I did get a speeding ticket and a 65 on my bio test." OK, so that was an admittedly lewd joke, but you get my drift. The point is, if you — like me and like many others hanging their heads low this week — are feeling bad about yourself, your academic performance, your friends, your job or whatever, just breathe. Not only are we fortunate enough to be part of the minute percentage of the world's population with a college education, but we get to earn it from a place as competitive, engaging, intelligent and all-around fun as Tufts. We're lucky, and for fear that I'm heading toward too philosophical terrain, I'll take this opportunity to wrap up with this: It's my newfound sense of perspective that is helping me to be rational and resist punching the lip-smacking Neanderthal to my right, and also realize that one bad grade isn't the end of the world after all.
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Chelsea Stevens is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. She can be reached at Chelsea.Stevens@tufts.edu.
