Boiling out all of the inessential elements, "The Real Housewives of Orange County" is about deep tans, blonde hair and fake boobs. Though it flirts occasionally with brunettes, it maintains this central concept through its sixth−season premiere. All the necessary qualities are there, tan lines and all, but someone forgot one key ingredient: making it worthwhile.
"The Real Housewives of Orange County," the flagship series of Bravo's "Real Housewives…" cottage industry, requires a captive audience for 43 grueling minutes. At face value, each housewife possesses little more personality than her physical characteristics afford her — and since each housewife has virtually identical defining features, things get confusing after a while.
A little bit of background may help: After five seasons, it turns out that the housewives do have some personality, albeit limited and far from admirable. Victoria "Vicki" Gunvalson, the sole survivor from the first season, and Alexis Bellino are content to live the lives of one−note characters. Vicki is an arrogant workaholic, and Alexis is a God−fearing housewife. The two do not get along one bit.
The other two housewives from past seasons, Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Barney, have the deepest tans and blondest hair of them all, along with a boiling history that explodes when touched. Tamra has the nasty habit of blaming her nasty habits on her failed marriage, citing her negative husband as the source of all her many past dramas. The brunt of these dramas had fallen on Gretchen in prior seasons, who — depending on who you ask — is either a gold digger or an upbeat entrepreneur with a heart of gold.
Now that Tamra has left her husband in the dust, she's ready to rid her life of the evil spirits that plagued her past and make amends with all the housewives, especially Gretchen. How can she undo her years of gossip and shed her reputation as "the evil one"? Naturally, she must throw a party.
This party is the centerpiece of the season premiere, titled "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes," and is used as a vehicle to stretch the central conflict between Gretchen and Tamra paper−thin. Tamra muses about repairing her relationship with Gretchen when she invites her to the party. Gretchen plots to get back at Tamra while getting ready for the party. She drinks and talks about her plotting on the way to the party, and she drinks and plots even more once she is at the party.
When she finally gets her revenge, the payoff is less than satisfying: She puts on a glitzy rhinestone hat and gives Tamra a literal evil eye. Everyone is shocked and appalled. She leaves, triumphant. Curtain.
To be successful in the field of self−aware trashy television, the drama at the center of a show must be compelling and quick. The battle between Gretchen and Tamra fails to succeed on these levels; it hits bottom when Gretchen accuses Tamra of "trying to steal her assistant [Shawna]" when leaving the party, a statement that treats Shawna, Gretchen's so−called best friend, as little more than an object. Shawna is visibly uncomfortable while Gretchen raves on, looking like little more than a drunken, empty shell of a deeply tanned, blonde haired, fake−boobed human being.
The Gretchen vs. Tamra earthquake didn't sink the whole show, however. It found limited success when it diverted from the main plot, taking a look into the personal lives of Vicki and Alexis. These diversions were rife with unintentionally hilarious moments, such as Alexis complaining about switching from two nannies to one, forcing her to care for her children on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
An earlier moment found Vicki trying to move a couch with her on−again off−again husband Donn, resulting in biting irony, unmitigated animosity and a twist of humor that perfectly encapsulated the show's mixture of tone−deaf materialism and emotional stagnation.
Fleeting segments like these are guilty−pleasure entertainment at its finest, but are regrettably stacked toward the start of the episode, leaving the second half to spiral into nonstop tedium.
As an introduction to the new season, "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes" is an hour of TV that runs on empty. On a larger scale, though, there is promise in the show's future: There are two new housewives who haven't even been properly introduced yet. Fernanda, the spicy Brazilian with only sort−of−blonde hair, has some potential as a funny, drama−free cohort of Tamra, while the gun−toting Peggy has been hinted at in coming attractions.
If the show remains as slow and dry as the premiere, however, all glimmers of hope are as real as Gretchen's boobs.
