For its second season, Bravo's "Bethenny Getting Married?" has transformed into "Bethenny Ever After," using this tagline: "Bethenny Frankel got married and then had a baby. Now comes everything after."
So it turns out that Bethenny Frankel's "happily ever after" is not only pretty dull, but also not even very happy. I give it a maximum of three years before the marriage dissolves between this reality star — who rose to fame on "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" (2005) and then "The Real Housewives of New York City" — and her husband, dorky yet dense businessman Jason Hoppy. Their fledgling family, like their show, is a mildly amusing train wreck.
Admittedly, I somehow missed the last season, so I shouldn't judge this couple based on a 45−minute season premiere during which almost nothing happens. But I saw in a flashback from season one that at her wedding, Bethenny said "I do" to Jason through a microphone. The whole thing was an act — she probably charged $100 admission at the chapel door.
This new season covers all the latest drama that comes with Bethenny and Jason's relationship, though drama is a relative term in this case. The show traces everything from Bethenny trying on new bras to Jason murmuring "sweet" nothings to her (among them, "You're my wife!"; "What do dads do? They carry s−−−"; and "Yeah, I'm a grown man, I s−−− my pants").
In short, there is no actual point of interest in the entire episode. It's just a reality show about a rich, boring family that doesn't even do anything. Their dog, Cookie, is the most interesting character.
Well, I suppose there is some drama, but it all revolves around the couple's visit to Jason's parents in Hazleton, Pa., which is hardly exciting. The parents exchange a few passive aggressive remarks with Bethenny about how often the family should drive from Manhattan to visit them, but the arguments never reach the level of disproportionate chaos as do the blow−ups in "Real Housewives."
Everyone on the show is stupid but falls short of being crazy or bitingly hostile — for reality TV to work, characters really need to be all of those.
Bethenny is also exceedingly annoying and self−absorbed, which is to be expected given her days on "Real Housewives." Unlike her former castmates, however, she doesn't counterbalance her terrible personality with outrageous comments and public outbursts. She gets slightly irritated with her husband sometimes, but he just shrugs her off and laughs because she's not a real person ("real person," noun: someone whose actions, thoughts and opinions can be taken moderately seriously).
Bethenny spends the majority of the episode criticizing and complaining about everything around her, especially Jason's hometown. Walking around downtown Hazleton (population: 12), she smirks at all the little stores and all the little townsfolk, as if being from Manhattan somehow makes her less brain−dead than those around her.
For the record, her mind is a black hole.
The most ironic part of her disdain for Hazleton is that she actually fits right in with Jason's old small−town friends. In the bar, she takes shots like a champ and uses more foul language than Charlie Sheen does when talking to his ex−mistresses. Overall, her interactions with Jason's buddies go swimmingly, which reinforces how, even if she's dumb enough to keep viewer's interests piqued, she's not mean enough.
Right before the couple and their poor child leave for Manhattan, they realize they've forgotten an important member of the family: Cookie. The dog then runs out of the parents' house and prances across the yard into the car. It is so cute and makes for easily the best scene.
"Bethenny Ever After" concludes its first episode on a bizarre note, with Bethenny tearing up in her therapist's office because her mom didn't love her or something. I don't know what to make of it, because, for a moment, it almost seems like she is a real person after all, but I'm not going to stick around to find out. Heed my warning, friends: This show is the TV equivalent of rat poison, except it doesn't taste as good.
