Dear Black Eyed Peas,
Once again, you manage to ruin everything.
We are the Daily’s Arts Department, which is to say that we did not see you perform at the sports game this past Sunday — the one played between the white team and the green team (congrats on winning, green team! Fun fact: Green is made of blue and yellow!) — because we do not watch sports (that’s Sports’ job).
But we heard that you were miserable, and we were, to say the least, unsurprised.
Originally, we were going to watch the event, but we shut the TV off immediately upon realizing that, to our great disappointment, we had parsed the hashtag incorrectly on Twitter — #superbowl = super bowl, not superb owl. Thank God, upon seeing the black and green, we were turned off from the start: We nearly had to endure not only sports but a performance by you, you futuristic studio devils.
Viewers could have predicted that, because of you, Sunday night was not going to be a good night, a good, good night. Everything you do is uninspired; you are coldly calculated to make money and aggravate. Like robots, or Vulcans. The only illogical thing about you is how popular you are. Your latest hit, “The Time (Dirty Bit)” (2010), besides having the stupidest title of a song ever (fact), is just you guys doing a really crappy cover of “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” from the “Dirty Dancing” (1987) soundtrack. A really, really crappy cover.
So please stop doing what you’re doing. In all honesty, we’d rather sit through three sports games with no halfway performances than see you. Ever again. Ever.
The Daily Arts Department