I am a huge sucker for a juicy conspiracy theory. My overactive imagination has always raced to develop explanations for the more intriguing events in history. I am not a passive citizen; I do not believe the government−certified stories behind assassinations, military coups and other extraordinary occurrences. The United States Government will stop at nothing to cover up their mistakes. When it comes to their explanations, I am a choosy customer … and I am not buying it.
It was a pleasant surprise, then, to find another active questioner breaking ground in the field of conspiracies. On Jan. 28, 2011, the Huffington Post reported by way of Radar Online that a woman by the name of Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks was suing Sean Combs, affectionately termed Diddy, for conspiring with Rodney King in orchestrating the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001. The charges for terrorism and date rape totaled a whopping $1 trillion, an amount whose number of zeroes baffles most simple minds.
The accusation is debatable, of course. The rap mogul has too many projects on his hands to seriously consider orchestrating a terrorist attack. Between updating his fragrance "Unforgiveable," designing each season's line of Sean Jean apparel and changing his moniker (I miss Puffy), this guy has his hands tied. Also, I question how much face−time he can squeeze in for Rodney King. Largely, the lawsuit seems to be a publicity ploy.
That being said, my interest has been piqued. Clearly, lawyers who would agree to take on a case as ludicrous as this one must exist elsewhere in the world. I can find one in the Boston area, and I can begin my tirade against those celebrities who have thus far evaded the long arm of the law. Far too many stars are responsible for our world's mysteries, and I intend to bring these injustices to light.
Let me begin my list of grievances.
I would like to sue Lil Wayne for the Area 51 cover−up project. This claim is most believable if only because he BLATANTLY ADMITS he is a Martian in his songs. He is not human. He is a Martian. He just doesn't want to reveal where he keeps his spaceships parked.
I would like to sue Andre the Giant for ruining the Tower of Pisa. More specifically, I would like to sue him for tilting it. I suspect he was tired, and thought nothing of leaning carelessly against it. Though deceased, I hold him accountable for its unsightly lean.
I would like to sue Jeff Goldblum for conspiring and succeeding in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. While my evidence supporting this claim is lacking, I would like to cite his shifty manner and sketchy eyes as clear indicators of his guilt. The man has something to hide, and this seems to fit. Please disregard the fact that he was 11 years old when the assassination took place. Age is irrelevant, of course.
I would like to sue Barbra Streisand for staging the NASA moon landing of 1969. This is mere conjecture; I would love nothing more than to believe she rented out studio space in Hollywood and succeeded in the most elaborate tricking of the American people. She just seems like the type.
Finally, I would like to sue Macaulay Culkin for destroying my house in 1990. Agreeing to film "Home Alone" in my childhood home did not mean I would allow irreparable damage. This is, of course, less of a conspiracy theory, and more of a reaction to him totally trashing my pad. I'm still picking up marbles, Macaulay.
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