Dear Conan O'Brien,
We were so happy when it was announced on Monday that you'll be coming back to television with a late night talk show on TBS (Very Funny). It seems like a good fit, seeing as you actually are Very Funny — certainly more Very Funny than "Tyler Perry's House of Payne" and endless "Family Guy" reruns.
You're also way more Very Funny than George Lopez on "Lopez Tonight," who you'll be replacing at 11 p.m. Don't feel bad for him, though. TBS (Very Funny) is Conan-ing him right into the 12 a.m. slot, so he can continue embarrassing celebrities, talk show hosts and Latinos everywhere with his overwrought "antics." (By the way, did you see the ad for the show with a dude peeing his pants, and the stain was in the shape of Lopez's face? Because wow.)
Basically, we're happy you're going to get back to work, doing what you do best. We know it's kind of silly to feel sorry for a multi-millionaire; damn, you got a lot of money out of NBC — nice job. But you seem so sad and distraught on your Twitter (@ConanOBrien)! And on your beard's Twitter (@CoCosBeard)! Cheer up, Conan and Conan's beard!
Also, we hear that Max Weinberg, your longtime bandleader, wants to ditch you for Jay Leno's "The Tonight Show" — that traitor. To that, we say good riddance. Does he not remember all the drama that went down in January? Fine then, he's no longer allowed on Team Coco.
So get back behind your fancy wooden desk, give Andy Richter a call, wrangle the Masturbating Bear and start rehearsing your String Dance, Coco. We're sure your new show is going to vastly extend the limits of what can be considered TBS Very Funny.
Sincerely,
The Daily Arts Department
