Dear Kate Winslet,
We adore you, which is why we were saddened (and somewhat overjoyed, for reasons we'll get to later) about your recent separation from your husband of seven years, Sam Mendes. While divorce is never something to laugh at, especially since you have two young children together, we know now that you will be able to move on to the man who you belong with, the man of your dreams — in essence, the king of the world: Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's right. We all saw "Titanic" those 13 long years ago. From the moment you two locked eyes on that doomed death boat, you, and we, knew the ultimate truth — that you two were meant to be. Though you two have wasted our best years with Kate marrying down (sorry Sam!) and Leo dating up (Bar Refaeli is way too hot), we will forgive you both … but only if you procreate with Leo, giving us an ultimate actor child. Oh yeah, and we'll forgive you for that depressing mess of a film, "Revolutionary Road" (2008), which we thought was a sequel to "Titanic" when we went to see it.
Don't you realize that Leo only modelizes to get over the pain that you chose Sam over him? Come on, Leo seems somewhat deep — he hangs out with Al Gore, at least. Ah, yes, models like Gisele must have tons of excellent quips and insights to provide … not.
Stop denying your destiny. We want more sex scenes in the back of a car. We want more eternal declarations of love (but, please, none of that screaming and yelling that was going on in "Revolutionary Road"). And everyone saw you win that Golden Globe last year and publicly declare how in love you are with Leo. Go for it, girl; Bar ain't got nothing on you.
Love,
The Daily Arts Department
