Dear Orca Playing the Part of Willy in "Free Willy: Escape from Pirate's Cove" (2010),
You got a lot of nerve, stepping into the illustrious shoes of your predecessor, Keiko the Orca — better known as Willy — in the first three "Free Willy" (1993, 1995, 1997) movies. Okay, we know orcas don't actually wear shoes, but you get the point.
The fact is, you signed onto a crappy, straight-to-DVD picture, starring alongside — of all people — Bindi Irwin, 11-year-old daughter of deceased Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin. By now, we're sure that you've discovered that a willful disregard for large, dangerous and wild animals (like you) runs in the family.
You need to remember that your species, Orcinus orca, is the biggest, baddest, most-ballingest branch of the entire dolphin family. Playing the lead role in some two-bit family film makes you and your fellow killer whales look like a bunch of cuddly, sissy little porpoises.
If you take a moment to think back on your proud lineage, you will realize that the life's calling of an orca does not involve a cheesy silver-screen career. No, instead of living the life of an aquatic-industry whore, you should be swimming free, devouring walruses and scaring the holy bejesus out of ignorant humans who mistake your dorsal fin for that of a shark. You need to get the whole pod together and start a freaking riot.
This aggression will not stand. This treatment is exploitative, no matter how many buckets of fish your handlers and agents negotiated from the studio executives. If they decide to keep the franchise alive, prepare for a lifetime of jumping through hoops — literally and figuratively.
You might play Willy, but you'll never be truly free. So the next time your agent comes to you with some cockamamie scheme to further your stardom, actually bite his head off. The look of surprise on his face when it's sloshing around in your stomach will be priceless.
Sincerely,
The Tufts Daily Arts Department
