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The Tufts Daily
Where you read it first | Friday, April 26, 2024

Top Ten | zombie celebrities

    The Tufts Daily Arts Department loves it when celebrities are still celebrities even after their careers have kicked the bucket. These peeps are still making appearances in the news — or tabloids — but are dead to us. Watch out: They're always lurking around the corner waiting to suck talent from the lively and youthful.

10. Flava Flav: Just how high were you when you signed the papers to do "Flavor of Love?" Because we're pretty sure there's no way any sane person would subject himself to that. Also, what's with the clock necklace? Couldn't afford real bling?

9. Winona Ryder: Remember kids, shoplifting is a crime. And sometimes it leads to the end of your acting career.

8. Tara Reid: You disgust us. How you ever had somewhat of a film career is beyond us. Why don't you go flash some more people and snort some cocaine off of Lindsay Lohan's dashboard?

7. Jessica Simpson: This would be the ideal space to bring up food confusion after all these years, but that wouldn't be fair. You faded away. At least you still have that TV show. Oh ... Wait ...

6. Rosie O'Donnell: You used to be so fun-loving. Those Koosh balls, those spin pops, your TV show. It was all just so fun. But now you're angry. Please chill out.

5. Meg Ryan: You thought getting naked would revive your career. It didn't. Yeah, you were sweet and adorable in your younger days, but now no one cares about you and your silly, curly blonde hair.

4. Joaquin Phoenix: You had a promising film career, but decided you wanted to be a rapper. Not the smartest idea but, okay, follow your dreams. Just don't look like an actual zombie when you go on Letterman to promote the crazy flip-flop.

3. Steve Urkel: See, we don't even know your real name. Or if you still exist. You could be dead, and none of us would care, as long as "Family Matters" is still showing in re-runs.

2. M. Night Shyamalan: "The Sixth Sense" (1999) was ground-breaking and mind-blowing. You were the next big thing. But then you made "Lady in the Water" (2006) and "The Happening" (2008). You'd better step it up, or Haley Joel Osment will be the only one able to see you.

1. Carrot Top: Your recent appearance in Burger King commercials revealed to the world just how haggard and creepy you look these days. You might have been awarded Funniest Male Stand-Up Comic at the American Comedy Awards in 1994, but that was 15 years ago. News flash: Nobody cares about prop comedy anymore.

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Compiled by the Daily Arts Department