From the Office of the Tufts Daily

Dear Christian Bale,
    We've all heard your little … speech. You had a moment and it passed and everything is good. Yeah, sure, you threatened to "kick" his "[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]," but he had it coming.
    We got your back.
    What right did he have to look at that light? So what if he was the Director of Photography? We hope the light was "[expletive deleted] good," too, because he ruined what could have been the best scene ever. If it really was the most emotional scene in McG's "Terminator Salvation" (2009) there is no excuse. That Shane Hurlbut has some nerve. And some name. Hurlbut.
    You, Sir, are a master of your craft. A true artist. All joking aside, we believe that you are one of the most talented, dedicated actors working today. We've seen "The Dark Knight" (2008) about a dozen times. And "I'm Not There" (2007). You played Bob f'n Dylan, man. Bob Dylan! Not to mention "Reign of Fire" (2002) where you fought about a million dragons. And "American Psycho" (2000). Hurlbut was lucky you didn't go Patrick Bateman and hurl an axe at his butt!
    Actually, did you try to kill him? It really sounds like you shot the guy about two minutes in. Good. He deserved it. Punk.
    It isn't easy being a famous Batm?erm … movie star. There is pressure involved. Lots of pressure. Back in July, when you were recorded teaching Shane Hurlbut how to do his job, something he was obviously very unqualified to do, your Batman film was in the process of becoming the highest-grossing film of the year. You had to worry about paying the bills!
    Fame comes at a high price, and people need to realize that it isn't all private jets and chauffeured limos and free lunches. It's mostly private jets and chauffeured limos, but sometimes there are other things, too.
    Here at the Daily Arts Department, we know what it's like to be famous and have to deal with the little people. When everyone is blowing you blowing something out of proportion out of proportion, we promise not to dance to the dance remixes.
    Your friends,
    The Daily Arts Department