Dear REAL-D 3D Cinema,
Our relationship has not always seen the smoothest sailing, and we need to talk. We don’t know whether we should love you or hate you, but the one thing we keep asking ourselves is, “Why?”.
Why do you exist?
We live in three dimensions. Honest-to-God 3-D. Not your “It’s like I can touch you!” 3-D illusion, but the actual “I can touch you,” 3-D of shapes, textures, depth and yes, dimensions!
You take on so many forms. Sometimes you’re in our faces: You pretend to shoot us, to splash us with water and, sometimes, when you’re “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” (2009), to stab out someone’s eye with a pix-axe and hurl it at us or poke us in the eyes with a horny teen’s nipples. Other times you’re mellow and laid-back, and we remember why we fell for you in the first place. You set up a depth of field. You make us feel like we’re watching more than a movie.
You’re cool, baby.
But why do you make stupid decisions? Why are you presenting “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience” (2009) or “Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour” (2008) in 3-D? What’s the deal with “U2 3D” (2007)? No one needs The Edge in 3D for Christ’s sake!
If you promise to be cool we’ll give you another chance. If good directors decide to utilize you, maybe there’s a future for us. But God help you if James Cameron’s “Avatar” (2009) sucks.
You’re trying, and we get it. You’ve ditched those red and blue glasses for the new plastic ones. They even look a little like Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and we dig wearing sunglasses inside at night without looking like total douchebags.
Thanks for trying, really, but you have a ways to go until you prove that you’re more than a gimmick and worth the extra $2 per movie ticket. For now, let’s just be friends.
The Daily Arts Department