What the hell Chronos, God of Time? I thought we had a deal. I'm taking back my four bushels of potatoes and three goats I sacrificed to you last week. Moloch the Owl God will not be pleased when he hears of this. You know Moloch, right? I think you met at last year's mixer; he was the one with the body of a man and the head of a Moloch. Good guy, Moloch.
But to be serious for a second: It's incredibly scary to think that Halloween is now over, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and the gentrified "Holiday Season" is in hot pursuit (in the most nondenominational way possible). But believe it, this sh-t just got real.
Let's take a look at the raucous two months ahead of us through the Pants Optional Lens of Popularity.
Based on current popularity trends and what I know of the average human being (I met one once, I think his name was Carl), my guess is that basic hardware-type things will be the big gifts. Now, by hardware I don't necessarily mean drills and chainsaws, though those are cool, but items that are more than knick-knacks and throw-away books. Look for big-name items that will get a lot of use. Think Garmin. Think clothes. Think cookware sets.
The reason things like this will be so popular is namely because the economy is in the crapper and people will appreciate useful everyday objects more than a book of pictures of unique beaver-tree chewings. The gift of a real genuine beaver-chewed tree stump is always in fashion though.
This is getting me too excited. Especially as a senior, things such as these are even more enticing than ever, seeing as in a few short months I will be out in the cold, dark world with little to no money to burn for heat and light. Basic things like silverware and, well, let's face it, cash, are incredibly high on my list this year, since come May, I'd rather be eating with some form of cutlery than my feet.
This also means that for the first time, I will appreciate my grandmother giving me a sweater and 16 pairs of socks. If my life is any indication, for my Grandma, giving Christmas gifts is not about the recipient. It's about her. She wants to see you wearing those socks. And you're going to tell her how they're warmer and softer than any of the others, or you're going to pay.
Extended family members are also another great place to request household (apartment-hold) items and even more straight-up cash. Aunt Syphilis wants something around 20 bucks? That's a blender right there. Now you can make smoothies.
For all of you who are first-years and sophomores, putting throw-away amounts like this towards music, video games, moves, etc, is perfectly acceptable, and in fact encouraged, because that's less money you have to take out of your parents' bank account while you're at school. It's just important to keep in mind throughout these good times that the end is near.
But the most helpful information I can give would be to juniors, to whom I say: SAVE YOUR MONEY from Christmas/Hanukkah/Flag Day. You will need it later. I'm totally serial.
I absolutely regret buying whatever I got last year with accumulated Christmas money. It speaks volumes that I don't even remember what it was I ended up buying. It was something that felt really important at the time, but I now realize was really, REALLY stupid. Like pants. Or a new copy of "Deep Impact" (1998) on DVD.
To make this statement more general, when spending your gift money (or putting together your wish lists) this holiday season, don't forget that this time next year, whatever you got this year will most likely be much less popular/important than you thought it was.
That second pair of UGG boots? I know they're black, and the ones you have now are tan, but pocket the saved money and get six percent on it for a year. When you need to pay your water bill next year, you'll be glad you did. Unless you plan on burning them in order to roast the squirrels you've caught. Squirrel meat is very high in potassium. Write that down.
College Christmases are strange occurrences, when you think about them. During a time when your parents either entirely fund or assist in funding your current lifestyle, they take December as an opportunity to give you MORE gifts. So after thoroughly enjoying the first two years of life without parents or bedtimes, start thinking ahead with your wish lists. You'll thank yourself in two years.
Even if you're a frosh or soph, just ask for money. It's infinitely more useful than any other gift. There's no reason to ask for anything else unless you're trying to throw your parents off track and make them doubt that you're spending all their money on booze. And if that's the case, they already know -- stop being so oblivious.
Of course it's always an option to just enjoy the gifts of "things" and "stuff" while they last, but if your future self ever travels back through time and crotch-punches you for being such a lummox, don't blame me.
Ok, yeah, blame me. I'll be laughing at you like everyone else.
