If given the choice between looking for true love with the help of Match.com or the Greek gods and goddesses of The CW's new series "Valentine," an Internet service is definitely the way to go. Although "Valentine" had very little promise to begin with, the absurdity of the show's premise and lack of comedic timing make it almost too painful to watch.
Led by Grace Valentine (played by Jaime Murray), better known as Aphrodite, the show follows the Valentine family of Greek gods and goddesses as they use their powers to help mortals on Earth find their soul mates. Many humans are caught up in their fast-paced, isolating world of text messaging and online dating services; the gods hope to bring people together and keep the reality of true love alive.
The romantic troubles begin when Roland, a Charlie Chaplin impersonator on Hollywood Boulevard, anxiously waits to ask Joanna, the secret love of his life, to marry him. Unfortunately, in typical Hollywood fashion, Joanna surprises Roland with the news of her engagement to her boyfriend just as he is about to pop the question.
Although Joanna may be engaged to another man, Roland and Joanna are soul mates, causing "fate" and the gods to step in to reconcile the love triangle. After consulting "the Oracle," the naively cheery Valentine family's seer Phoebe (Autumn Reeser) warns the others that they only have three days to bring Roland and Joanna back together before she runs off to Las Vegas to get married.
To start things off, Grace's son, Danny Valentine (Kristoffer Polaha), god of erotic love, and Leo (Robert Baker), better known as Hercules, disguise themselves as mortal plumbers coming to fix the leaky pipe in Roland's kitchen. After a while, Danny and Leo implausibly convince Roland to go to a bar with them for a few drinks, the same bar, of course, where Joanna is holding her bachelorette party. Needless to say, after a few pathetically predictable bumps along the way and some nudging from the gods, love eventually conquers all for the two soul mates when they "unexpectedly" run into each other.
Granted, a show about Greek gods and goddesses in modern society isn't exactly supposed to be believable, but the writers of "Valentine" have also managed to take every trite, unbearably cliché notion of love and weave it into the show's already lagging storyline. "Valentine" fails to pull at our heartstrings when Roland and Joanna finally realize that they are soul mates, because the story of "the guy who falls in love with his unavailable girl best friend and wins her over in the end" has been done a thousand times before.
Sadly for "Valentine," the plot lines may be weak, but the acting skills are even weaker. In the hour-long season premiere, every effort at a joke falls flat, and any laughter is due to pity more than anything else. The lack of chemistry between the ensemble cast of, at best, C-list actors kills any hopes of the show gaining even a small fan base. Every twist and turn in the plot the Valentines encounter is predictable, and every actor lacks the depth and character development to connect to viewers. Such cartoonish depictions of the Greek gods of love make it even more difficult to get past the feeling that The CW simply created "Valentine" in a pathetic attempt to fill the 8 p.m. time slot in their network programming.
Unfortunately, everything about "Valentine" is one-dimensional, without a thread of genuine feeling that could tie everything together and make the show worth watching. With a no-name cast, a ridiculous premise and intolerably sappy storylines, hopefully "Valentine" will be canceled soon -- if the gods have anything to do with it.
