Gentle Reader,
I hope you have spent the last couple of weeks soaking up plenty of sun and sleep to get you through the home stretch of the semester. Maybe you watched your favorite rom-com on the plane, took in your newest romance beach read or simply spent your break lying at home yearning. Regardless, we are back in full swing with only a little over a month left in the semester.
Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a specific phenomenon that comes about around the end of spring semesters at Tufts. As the countdown to summer begins and the end-of-spring jitters set in, a different energy takes over campus.
I encourage you all to give into that energy. Whether it’s your first or final Tufts spring, let’s all become a little more bold this April. It’s time to send the text, take the initiative and make the confession. I promise to accept all necessary consequences of my encouragement.
And that brings me to today’s topic of discussion, one that I’m sure will strike a chord among the student body of our small liberal arts school with plenty of platonic and romantic overlap. For this edition of Hearts on the Hill, we are discussing all things friends-to-lovers.
YEARNER #1: “I have a crush on a friend and I can’t read the vibes. What should I do?”
Short and sweet — I like it, Yearner 1. Because I don’t have all the information, I’ll ignore my spring-like impulses to tell you to just go for it. When considering crossing the bridge from friends to more, it’s important to go back to the basics. What kinds of things do you ordinarily consider when you have a crush on someone? If you can stop thinking about your platonic connection, you may be able to get some clarity on what you want out of the situation.
For me, it comes down to energy. While platonic relationships can be equally, and sometimes more fulfilling than romantic ones, there’s a certain feeling when two people are connected as more than friends. If you feel that with your friend, then it’s time to make your move!
I’m sure you are worried about what could happen if your confrontation goes awry. But isn’t that always a worry, friends or not? Ultimately, Yearner 1, I truly believe that the most authentic friendships can recover from anything with time.
YEARNER #2: “I think a friend might have a crush on me, but I’m uncertain if I like them back or not. I also don’t think they’re over their ex (who they dated over a year ago) and maybe they don’t actually like me at all?? They’ve confessed to and been interested in a lot of people over the past year, and this is throwing me for a loop. Even if they are interested in me, do they really like me in particular, and does it mean anything given how many other people they’ve liked? And this is selfish, but is it socially embarrassing to go out with someone who’s confessed to liking and been turned down by several other people not long ago? I’m also stuck because on the off chance they do have feelings for me, is it my responsibility to not lead them on because I don’t know if I want a relationship back — I care about this person and don't want to hurt them or create any sort of bitterness. Should I make sure to act a little cold and not physically initiate anything? I like to make physical contact with my friends, and I’m just not certain if that should be off limits here. Especially since they often playfully push me first, and even more so recently! Can I push back? Is that flirty? I’ve been stopping myself from doing so recently because I don’t want to be misread, but I feel like it’s putting distance in our friendship when I don’t even know if I’m just overthinking it and doing something unnecessary. I don’t want to send mixed signals, but how do I not send mixed signals when my feelings are mixed!”
From a yearner of very few words, to one of many, thanks for the info, Yearner 2! We have a lot to work with here, so let’s start unpacking.
Like many lingering in the friends-to-lovers trope, it sounds like you are stuck in a gray area. Until you gain more clarity on your true feelings for your friend, I would give yourself some space and time. As a natural overthinker, I feel no true right to tell you this, but try not to read too much into your behavior. You’ll drive yourself crazy. Only after you get out of your own head can you observe what naturally occurs between you two.
After you’ve given it some time, if the situation continues to impact your friendship, don’t hesitate to communicate with your friend. It’s always scarier in theory than it is in practice.
As an aside, I wouldn’t let your friend’s propensity to crush worry you. Nothing is embarrassing about it, especially if you’re the one that pulls them at the end of the day.
Good luck, friends. Happy spring.
With love,
Julia
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