In honor of commencement and the last ever Potty Talk, I have decided to turn my attention briefly away from Tufts University and toward everywhere else. In these next 500 words, I will attempt to review all of the world’s bathrooms that are not on Tufts University’s campus with my four-metric scale that some have called infallible. I can already hear the complaints of people who think that the earth has too many bathrooms to review them all in one column, but folks, I’ve probably spent more time reviewing bathrooms over the last two semesters than I have doing readings for class — I think I can handle this.
AMBIANCE
Certainly, the world contains nice bathrooms, but I assume that the bad ones probably outweigh the good in terms of design, so they’ll get a 4/10.
PRIVACY
The beauty of bathrooms that are not at Tufts is that the likelihood of an awkward interaction plummets. This is due both to a corresponding dip in the awkwardness of the people and the fact that even when privacy in a bathroom is less than ideal, you probably won’t need to worry about sitting next to the person in the stall over in EC 05 tomorrow. 8/10.
CONVENIENCE
At Tufts, convenience is king. Wherever you find yourself, there are at least two bathrooms nearby that you can run to in the event of an emergency. We often take for granted this luxury. I have been off campus a couple times, and I regret to inform the graduating seniors that this is not the case in other parts of the world. Whether you’re in a city, a suburb, or a rural area (seriously, why is there no way to say that in one word?), there is a high likelihood that if you are in public, you will be in a bathroom desert.
Often, the solution is to do the ‘pop-in,’ which is when you pop into a business, be it anything from a restaurant to a cobbler, and try to use its bathroom. The problem here is that you will likely end up feeling guilty about taking advantage of a business for its bathrooms without buying anything. You would be amazed at how many soft drinks I have purchased just to use the bathroom with a clean conscience. Worse yet, you will sometimes have to ask employees for a key or code to get in. This is just a tool to embarrass you, and I would recommend leaving that establishment before facing the ignominy of having to grovel at the feet of some power hungry barista just to use the toilet. 1/10.
HOW MANY THINGS DO I HAVE TO TOUCH
Tufts is probably better than the global average in terms of bathroom tactility, and it is not very good. 3/10.
While Tufts bathrooms are not always the cleanest or the most modern or even wholly functional, Tufts has some pretty nice facilities that the rest of the world can rarely match.
