I had optimized this whole plan for how this column would go, but of course that thing we call life (and the vagaries of the mind) hits, and the beautiful schedule that played in my head falls to pieces. So much of human existence is how we pick up those pieces, yes. But it's also about how we change our mindset so that the puzzle that is our life is neither perfectly complete nor in utter shambles.
I am constantly going through this struggle of the all-or-nothing mindset: the unhealthy perfectionism of giving up in shame when your idealistic hopes inevitably don’t appear easily.
This might sound abstract and confusing, so I’ll give you a concrete example: me. I was born to a Harvard University (later MIT) professor and a University of California, Berkeley graduate. I grew up as an Asian American in both Boston and near San Francisco, so earning a degree from a top college felt as given as the air I breathed. I enrolled in Johns Hopkins University the fall of 2015 as a neuroscience major, so all was going according to plan.
Fast forward months and years of angry texts, fake excuses, missed classes, porn sites, cancelled meetups, disordered eating, rom-com binges, work avoidance, self-sabotaging thoughts and countless therapy sessions, and here I am. As a privileged, well-supported senior, there is a case to be made that I am a “failure." In many ways, that’s what I think I am. But “failure” is a mindset, not a person. I know there’s so much more to me than that kid who took six years to graduate from college.
While constantly thinking you’re a failure is self-defeating and unhelpful, failing can be an amazing thing if you use it as an opportunity to learn. It's difficult because we fear failure and find the emotions of rejection and losing out to be uncomfortable. When I failed to overcome my struggles last semester, I changed my living situation to better suit my needs. When I failed to get better in therapy, I had to make a change and grow under a different form of therapy built on daily measurement and skill-building. When I couldn’t stop letting Netflix, YouTube and Twitter interfere with my academics, I had to change and decided to pay for a website-blocking app. In each of these examples, what I left out was the fact that I had to learn to accept my limitations instead of waiting for a magical willpower to reveal itself.
Just as I had optimized the plans for my column, I had idealized this last semester of my college career. In my mind I saw a gaggle of housemate friends, the ease of productive work flying by and the picture-perfect job offer in my hands. But, of course, that thing we call life hits.
This is not a success story — at least, not yet.
Lesson 1: Instead of being perfectionistic, try to live in the gray and understand that two things can both be true even if they appear oppositional.
Lesson 2: You don’t have to be a “failure”; you can be a forward “failer,” someone who actively sees mistakes and limitations as opportunities to accept, change and grow.
