I’ve spent a lot of time in this column being self-absorbed, doling out advice that can be hard to act on. If you’re at all like me and often feel stuck or overwhelmed, my telling you to be more self-compassionate or less perfectionistic isn’t exactly helpful. So I’m going to turn to a subject that I think all of us can agree is vital, not just during COVID-19, but for human existence and overall well-being. That subject is, of course, community.
We all know that relationships are key, and science appears to back that up. Data from the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies of adult life, demonstrates the importance of quality relationships. According to Robert Waldinger, the director of the study, good relationships have a significant effect on health, brain functioning and life satisfaction. Others, like Vivek Murthy, the former surgeon general of the United States, and Brené Brown, an author and professor at the University of Houston, have also written about the power of connection and relationships.
It’s one thing to know, intellectually, that relationships play a vital role, but it’s another to internalize that in our everyday behaviors. I’m far from a social butterfly (in fact I’m quite socially anxious), so I’m probably not the best person to tell any audience how to have better social skills. But I’m also telling this advice to myself, and I feel that through therapy and reflection, I’ve learned some things. So I hope you’ll join me in trying to cultivate more moments of connection:
- Volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to meet new people with similar interests and values and get social practice. Whether it’s working in a community garden, at a soup kitchen or for a political campaign, a lot of volunteer events provide a structure that makes it easier to talk to people, plus an activity to do so it’s not as awkward. Even if you don’t meet your next BFF, you’re still helping others and practicing your social skills.
- Joining a group. Going out of your way to volunteer can be difficult. We more naturally encounter formations of groups, such as when we’re at a dinner party or company networking event. In my case, the avoidant part of my mind puts all these fears and obstacles in front of me so that joining a group can feel untenable. The hardest part is entering the conversation, but there is a “skill” to help you do it. Based on Marsha M. Linehan’s 2014 dialectical behavior therapy skills training manual, a great way to join a conversation is to find a more “open group,” and during a break in conversation, ask a friendly looking group member: “Mind if I join you?”
A final trick. One thing that’s nice to try if you’re afraid of being embarrassed in a social situation is this: Ask yourself how many times you’ve remembered someone doing something embarrassing or worth judgment. If you’re as self-absorbed as me, the answer is probably zero, meaning that others probably aren’t as focused on your social “gaffes” as you might be. According to one BBC article, embarrassment actually increases likability and trust!
