The Starving Aesthete: Decorating inside a giant whale

Given how expensive they are, it’s hard not to see your dorm as a gift horse with a serious case of lockjaw. However, studies (I totally haven’t made up) show that fluorescent lighting is the leading cause of ego death among 18 to 22 year-olds, so it seems appropriate that I should furnish you with the jaws of life necessary to crack those equine mandibles open. And I’ll even do it in a super neat listicle!

#1: Opulent dishware

“I bought Venetian glass when I was at college, and for the first term my servant broke one glass every day, and a decanter on Sunday, but I persevered in buying them, and during the succeeding terms of my whole stay at college, he did not break a single piece.” — Oscar Wilde

While I don’t doubt that many Tufts students could afford to outfit their scullions with the finest foreign flatware, anybody can afford to go the extra mile when it comes to cookware. When you’re rambling up and down the aisles of the Davis Square Goodwill, household staff in tow, take a moment to remind yourself that this is a thrift store. Get the flimsiest, sexiest champagne flute you can buy — heck, get 20. They’re 50 cents each. If it breaks, buy another. If you don’t use it, give it to a friend who doesn’t want or need it! The world is your oyster.

#2: Lamps

Nothing classes up a dorm like a 20-pound porcelain lamp with cast-iron feet and watercolor flowers on the side. I should know — I’ve got five. Hook those babies up with some LED bulbs and rejoice in lighting that doesn’t make you look like a drunken Irish poet-laureate down with the grippe.

#3: Go with a theme

College only lasts four years. Three, if you’re really good or bad at it. Why not sacrifice a couple semesters' worth of comfort and good sleep by turning your bedroom into the O.K. Corral? Or get some hanging lamps and make it a Chinese tea room. Know any amicable carnies? Have them hook you up with a fun-house mirror and wake up every morning to a distorted nightmare of your own creation. The world is your oyster; have fun with it!

#4: Phone a friend

An engineer acquaintance and I once hung a four-foot chandelier from the ceiling with Command hooks. Enough said.

#5: Gimmicks

Last but not least are the gimmicks. Use and abuse them. As my adoring fans and brutal enemies will tell you, I myself keep an ornate globe in my living room, and it pops open to reveal a wet bar. Turn your door into a bookcase. Plant a Bluetooth speaker in a vase of peonies. Put some candy out in a little dish. Whatever you go for, a properly placed centerpiece will charm visitors and divert all eyes from the weird green mold congealing on your floor tiles.

I would go on, but paper doesn’t grow on trees. Please, take some time to turn your dorm room into something approximating a home. The world has an easy enough time turning us into soulless, shambling husks; we ought to put up a little fight.