'Riverdale' Chapter 31: There's no business like high school show business

Well, we have arrived at the “Carrie” musical. And it was terrible. Or wait, maybe it was amazing? Once again, “Riverdale” (2017–) has put out an hour so strange, it feels like the show is actively trying to melt our brains. “Riverdale” is not the first show to attempt a musical episode. The “Scrubs” musical episode? Epic. The “Grey’s Anatomy” attempt? Not so much. “Chapter 31: A Night to Remember” fell somewhere on the spectrum between these two. It was by no means good, but “Riverdale” really does have a knack for pulling off things that on the surface would seem objectively, aggressively bad. Also, the ending was genuinely shocking and incredible. Always more murder, please.

The episode starts off with esteemed show director Kevin appointing Jughead as official “Carrie” musical videographer, because apparently Cole Sprouse is too cool to sing. This makes it not only a musical episode but also documentary-style, because why not?

Kevin then runs down the list of everyone else’s roles in the show: Cheryl is Carrie (duh), Betty is good girl Sue (lame), Veronica is mean girl Chris (less lame) and Archie is boy-next-door Tommy. Then, for some reason, Chuck shows up to play bad guy Billy to reverse his "bad guy" image at school? Solid logic. Kevin also brings in Alice to play Carrie’s mom, because apparently it’s more appropriate to have someone’s mom in a high school play than age-inappropriate casting.

Things immediately begin to go awry when a sandbag falls right next to Cheryl’s head during her — auto-tuned — solo. Okay, we all know Cheryl is queen and Madelaine Petsch is a true talent, but these songs were clearly not right for her vocals, since the end product comes out sounding like a singing robot rather than a human.

The true crime, however (even more than the sound of Cheryl’s singing voice), is that someone is coming after Cheryl! Could it be Ethel, who is clearly jealous of the fact that Cheryl got the leading role instead of her? Spoiler alert, yes, it almost certainly is. Kevin receives a creepy letter made out of cut-out magazine pieces allegedly from the Black Hood, demanding that Cheryl be recast. Why would the Black Hood care at all about this dumb high school show? Also, isn't the Black Hood supposedly the janitor/dead? (Not that any of us actually buys that for a second.) Kevin ends up recasting the role of Carrie to maintain the safety of those in the show but selects understudy Midge instead of Ethel to take over. Right before opening night, however, Jughead finds cut-up magazine pieces in Ethel’s dressing room. Way to cover your tracks, Ethel.

Guys, there is a lot of singing this week. There is singing on stage, singing in the hallway, singing while doing push-ups. There is also quite a bit of dancing, which forces all of us to be subjected to Archie's painfully committed dance moves. Those of you who view Archie as a heartthrob may quietly see yourselves out.

Was it too much singing and dancing? Potentially. Was it all worth it since it forced Betty to wear her hair down for the majority of the episode? Most definitely. Letting down the world's tightest ponytail must have shifted something in Betty's brain, since this week after a number of particularly catty incidents between the two of them, she decides she is ready to make up with Veronica. Hugging and naturally, more singing follow. 

This was a hard week for fans of “Riverdale’s”number one OTP: Alice and FP. Alice is feeling pretty lonely after Chic’s departure (even though he's still around, even showing up at opening night), so Betty decides to try to reunite her mom and dad. And vulnerable Alice makes the dumb move of letting Hal move back in. Most devastating of all is FP seeing Hal and Alice back together at opening night. After their gum-less sexcapade, the least Alice could’ve done was give FP a call.

In other parent-centered drama: Archie is still having issues with his dad. He is hiding the car Hiram gifted him from Fred, but Hiram, looking to damage Fred's family-centered campaign strategy, outs Archie’s secret to Fred almost immediately.Fred is hurt, but he and Archie end up talking it out, and Archie gives back the fancy car and instead gets a literal tractor at the junkyard for him and Fred to restore together.

By the way, just need to shout out the show for not including any dumb mob drama this week! More of less of this, please and thank you.

Finally, let’s talk about the second-most epic part of this episode: Cheryl’s take-down of her mother. À la Carrie, Cheryl dons a silk pink dress and dumps a bucket of blood on herself and storms into her house to once and for all confront Penelope.She knows Penelope and Claudius are scheming and that they tried to kill Nana Rose, and she is not taking it anymore: “I burned one house down; I’ll happily burn down another.” Bow down to your queen.

But our girl isn’t finished. She demands to be emancipated and for Penelope and Claudius to leave the house to her and Nana Rose alone. She ends on these kind parting words: “Start packing, Mommy; you and Uncle Claudius are pig people and should live amongst the pigs.” You can pick yourself up off the floor now.

And now, for the most shocking moment of the episode, and quite possibly of the entire series. It’s opening night. Alice is on stage calling for Carrie to come out of her closet when, all of a sudden, a piece of scenery is lifted to revealed Midge murdered and pinned to a wall with knives.She is surrounded by messages written in red (blood?): “I am back from the dead” and “all those who escaped me before will die.” Could it be? THE BLACK HOOD IS BACK, GUYS!!! Also, R.I.P. Midge, for real this time.

Apparently the “Riverdale” writers heard our complaints about the Black Hood being a terrible serial killer since he barely actually killed anyone. So now he — and the writers — are back to try again. That means Fred, Archie and Moose very well may be in particular trouble. Finally, things are starting to heat up.

What a wild return from hiatus, “Riverdale.” Between the image of Midge’s gruesome death and Archie’s eye-burning dancing, we all may never sleep again.

"Riverdale" airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on The CW. Full episodes available on cwtv.com and Netflix.