The hills are alive with the sound of Cheryl in 'Riverdale' Chapter 30

Well, we certainly weren’t kept in suspense for too long about Cheryl’s stint in Sisters of Holy Mercy, were we? But it only seems natural that Cheryl would have to return to Riverdale High with plenty of time to prep for her starring role in next episode’s “Carrie” (1988) musical. "Chapter 30: The Noose Tightens" definitely felt like a turnaround episode for "Riverdale" (2017–), wrapping up several loose ends and planting seeds for coming story arcs. This made for a slower but still solidly enjoyable hour. (As all recent episodes of “Riverdale” have been — didn’t you read last week’s recap?)

We jump in right where we left off last week, with Cheryl in Sisters of Holy Mercy, where she is forced to drag heavy bags around and wear a ponytail. She is miserable, and it is agony to watch.

Just as suspected, Toni does not believe for one second Penelope’s lie about Cheryl’s departure for boarding school. The fact that Cheryl’s social media has been inactive only seals the deal. Toni gets Veronica and Josie to pay a visit to Penelope and Nana Rose to try to get more info. Penelope admitted that Cheryl wasn’t at boarding school but claimed she had been sent abroad because of her concerning behavior. As evidence, Penelope pulls out a drawing of Cheryl and Josie. Almost forgot about that whole storyline, didn’t you? Throwback to when Cheryl was stalking Josie and sending her pig hearts. Okay, so that probably is a valid example of concerning behavior, but Cheryl clearly needs actual help, not emotional and physical torture. Nevertheless, Josie backs out, and Toni and Veronica leave Thistlehouse with no new leads on where Cheryl could actually be.

It’s not time to throw in the towel yet, though. Nana Rose, the hero we need but don’t deserve, takes a break from watching Bob Ross to throw herself out of her wheelchair and drag her body across the floor to a telephone that has probably been around since Grover Cleveland was president. She then calls Toni at school and informs her Cheryl is “with the sisters.” Kevin confirms that they do conversion therapy at Sisters of Quiet Mercy, along with the fact that there is a secret tunnel in the building that they can use to rescue her. Naturally, Kevin knows about this secret passage because he hooks up with a lot of guys being held at the convent.

Obviously they set off on their mission at night — it’s the “Riverdale” way — and after screaming Cheryl’s name in the hall at the top of her lungs — because that’s definitely practical when you’re trying to secretly rescue someone — Toni finds Cheryl in the movie room. The two finally share their first kiss in front of the movie screen, and it’s very romantic and artsy and lovely, but also maybe this can wait until after they’ve gotten Cheryl out of this torture chamber? It ends up being a close call, but they successfully make it out with Cheryl, and all is right with the world once again.

Except not at all, because everything is still falling apart in the rest of the town. Most pressing is the fact that the sheriff has discovered the car Betty and Jughead dumped as part of their murder cover-up. Alice and FP tell them not to panic and to just act normal, but this is Jug and Betty, so normal for them is obviously putting on their teen detective hats and trying to dig up information that will surely end up getting them into even more trouble.

Sure enough, they find out the car was returned to the drug dealer’s ex-girlfriend, and Chic, being ever so helpful, brings this woman to the Cooper house. Surprise, she knows something is up and demands 10 grand for her silence. Some more shenanigans go down in between, but the only thing that matters is that right when the situation seems to be taking a turn for the worse, Jughead and a bunch of Serpents literally bust the door of the Cooper house open and whip out switchblades. It was so unnecessary but so incredible, which also happens to be a summation of the entirety of “Riverdale.”

And finally, following all this drama, Alice kicks Chic out of the house. Bye, Chic. You will not be missed but you definitely will also be back. Alice also apologizes to the Serpents for the way she’s treated them and decides she’s not going to run away from her Serpent roots anymore. Good, because Alice is a lot less boring when she’s running around in stilettos with FP and the Serpents. Is it possible that Alice is even becoming… likeable?

Of course, an episode of “Riverdale” wouldn’t be complete without some confusing mafia drama. Hiram’s mobster partners are trying to hustle him into giving them a cut of his deal for the South Side prison. Archie tries to intimidate them, which was maybe the funniest, saddest thing ever. He is not successful.

He is, however, somewhat helpful later when he catches someone beating up doorman/driver/burglar murderer Andre. He tackles the assailant (who is obviously wearing a black hood — if you’re gonna attack someone in Riverdale you better know the brand) and discovers it is fake FBI agent Adams! Looks like he is a double crosser, but it also looks like “Riverdale” casting just couldn’t get any new actors to make the trek up to Vancouver.

Eventually, Archie is able to get these mobsters to back off by introducing his new and improved teen militia. Yes, that’s right, the Red Circle is back, and they’ve rebranded — say hello to the Dark Circle. Cue collective groan from every “Riverdale” viewer in America. Archie is becoming unhinged again, and even Molly Ringwald can’t do anything to stop it.

And how can we forget what was potentially the most important thing to happen this week? And that is the reblossoming of the Alice/FP relationship. First, they have some fun banter, where Alice refers to FP’s home as “the soup can he calls a trailer.” Then, at the end of the episode, she shows up at said soup can, and he follows her inside, but not before tossing the piece of gum he was chewing, which is, of course, a universal sign of impending sex, right?

Because “Riverdale” refuses to ever let us be happy for any significant amount of time, it’s taking ANOTHER hiatus, this time for two weeks. At least the episode we have to look forward to is the one with the much-hyped “Carrie” musical. With Kevin directing and Cheryl starring, this episode has all the makings of an instant “Riverdale” classic.

"Riverdale" airs on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on The CW. Full episodes are available on cwtv.com and Netflix.