Vinny’s Variety Pack: The Big Finale

This is my last column ever for The Tufts Daily *cue sad music.* I’ve been informed that it won’t print until Commencement where “hundreds of parents will read it, so you better not be inappropriate again.” Oops, wasn’t supposed to include that last bit.

I’ve had an awesome time writing for this paper and I hope that all of my readers enjoyed my stuff. By “all of my readers,” I mean my mom and the editors at the Daily. If there’s anyone else who reads these columns then I just want to say: Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than to read my boring column? I mean seriously, get a life! I joke, I joke (kinda).

In all seriousness, thank you readers, thank you editors and thank you friends for telling me when my ideas are “stupid and not even remotely funny.” Without further ado, I present: Five 2017 NFL headlines that will totally happen and are definitely not fake.

Philip Rivers has 27th kid, names him 'Twenty-Seven' because he 'ran out of ideas for names'

“You know, life is an absolute blessing. There is nothing more important to me than 'SEVENTEEN YOU GET OFF THE GODD--N CABINETS RIGHT NOW OR NO TV TONIGHT,'” Rivers said, as he dodged a barrage of M&Ms coming from overhead.

Entire Patriot roster suspended for something stupid, coach Bill Belichick forced to create team from the Medford U12 Flag Football League, wins sixth superbowl

“It’s really nothing special,” Belichick explained during an exclusive ESPN interview. “These boys know how to play football. I know how to coach football. I love football. Football football football football,” Belichick said as he slowly drifted off to a deep slumber.

Former NFL QB Tim Tebow terminates his barely promising MLB career after meeting with spiritual advisor, decides to move on to the PPPLFORT, the Professional Ping Pong League for Overly Religious Teens

“I’m really looking forward to going down this new path that God has opened up for me. Make sure y’all tune into ESPN 8 the Ocho and watch me smoke the competition," Tebow said.  In other, unrelated, news, the Ping Pong Network has shown a sudden spike in the “Girls aged 12-24” demographic.

Cleveland Browns sign tackling dummy as new quarterback, go 5-11

“I sat around for hours watching game film and I couldn’t believe how many interceptions our QBs were throwing,” head coach Hue Jackson said. “After a lot of in-depth analysis we realized that the key to winning is to not throw interceptions. You know who doesn’t throw interceptions? That tackling dummy we use during practice. You know who can take a hit from a lineman? That same f--king tackling dummy. I feel stupid for not thinking about it earlier.”

ESPN fires all NFL analysts worth anything -- notable exception in Stephen A. Smith who is 'too stupid to be fired'

This one isn’t fake. I’M SERIOUS, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. HOW IS THIS MAN STILL EMPLOYED?