This column will not focus on what goes right. In fact, it will not even focus on what goes fairly well. It will focus solely on what goes terribly, horribly, laughably, miserably and disturbingly wrong the National Football League. Without further ado:
The Cowboys: I know, Cowboys fans, you won the game Sunday. Unfortunately, that may be your last win for quite some time. Tony Romo is on IR and is ineligible to return until week 11. Dez Bryant is likely to miss eight to 10 weeks. This team is going to be a mess; the immediate replacement on the roster is Brandon "I'm not good enough for the Browns" Weeden, whose performance was mediocre whilst he filled in for Romo Sunday; Weeden cannot be the long term solution for the Cowboys.
The Eagles: The only thing giving Cowboys fans hope is that the one team in the NFC East that looks worse than theirs is their mortal enemy. The Eagles did not lose much in the offseason. And then, out of nowhere, the team fell apart. Please, Philadelphia, the rest of the sports world would like to watch gleefully as you lambast Cowboy fans for their horrendous start to the season.
Josh Scobee: Pretty much everyone here is a Patriots fan. So you all remember the week one game against Pittsburgh, where the Steelers' kicker, Scobee, missed two field goals. That performance apparently affected the team's judgment this week, as after their first two touchdowns, the Steelers offense remained on the field for the two-point conversion rather than allowing Scobee to attempt the new 33 yard PAT. All was fine in the end, however, as Coach Tomlin sent the kicker out after the third touchdown and he redeemed himself, right? Wrong! Scobee is almost assuredly out of a job as the Steelers continue to attempt two-point conversions for the foreseeable future.
The Rams: As a diehard St. Louis Sports fan, this one is especially painful, but I feel the need to demonstrate that I’m an equal opportunity jerk. After an absolutely incredible week one win over the Seattle Seahawks, the Rams lost to the horrendous Washington Redskins. Not only did the Rams lose, but they made Kirk Cousins look like an All-Pro. I guess we’ll always be able to gloat about getting three first-round picks for RGIII, but if those first rounders can’t get us a win over Kirk Cousins, did it even really matter?
Rex Ryan: The former Jets and current Buffalo Bills head coach was expected to usher in a new era for the Bills. This week's game against the Patriots was supposed to be the first sign of life for the new Ryan-led bills. His arrival at the game was heralded with signs like “I came in like a Rex-ing Ball” featuring the coach’s head on a not-so-proportionate likeness of Miley Cyrus. The Bills certainly looked good in the game, for about 5 minutes; unsurprisingly, the Patriots won 40-32.
Amazingly, this week was not particularly filled with blunders, but in this league there’s always plenty to lampoon. I look forward to next week's issue, in which I hope to be mocking the (soon to be) 0-3 defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks.
