Even if you’re not a part of the tribe, chances are you have friends who have stopped eating all things delicious (aka any food with grain that has leavened aka BREAD) for that time of the year known as Pesach. We can skip the Hebrew school stories because you can Google why chametz is chazerei (no good). What you do need to know is how to avoid breaking Passover. Or maybe just how to help your Jewish friends through this difficult, bread-free, dark part of their lives.
It’s a rough seven days, so let’s hold hands. When you’re in doubt, refer to this list and stay strong. Remember, you have chutzpah.
- Be like Kate Moss. Rumor has it, Kate Moss went on a Matzah-and-cigarette-only diet in the '90s and she looked fab. She stayed so svelt, and it’s probably because she wasn’t eating leavened bread. Matzah = Johnny Depp romance.
- Avoid carbs, look hot for formal. Let’s face it: it’s formal season. The only way anyone is fitting into a Nasty Gal bodycon black strapless lace cut-out number is by limiting the number of times you go back for Cracklin’ Oat Bran in Carm. Substitute matzah for bread and cut the calories (and the flavor). You know what they say: matzah is a girl’s (or a boy’s, or any individual who identifies with any part of the gender spectrum's) best friend.
- Study up! Now that you’re not busy creating the perfect sandwich, your lunch time can be better devoted to studying! Since you have two options -- marinara on matzah or some variety of kugel -- you can spend your extra food-assembly-time conjugating verbs. How do you say “shmuck” in French?
- Volunteer somewhere. Aren’t there orphaned cats with chlamydia somewhere? Go help them. They need you more than bread does right now.
- Drink a lot of coffee. That’s Kosher, right? Studies show that drinking caffeine makes you not want things that are bad for you. Like bread and drugs. Maybe just bread.
- Don’t do drugs! Drugs won’t make you want bread less. They really won’t. Really.
- Make a matzah pizza. You know what’s better than regular pizza? Not matzah pizza. But pretend you’re a young Marion Cotillard in “Chloé” (1996) and win widespread praise for your ability to convince everyone of your supreme love -- for matzah pizza. I smell an Oscar. Or is that Kosher marinara? Ugh.
- Lose all hope. Is there a reason to go on anymore? How do people do gluten-free diets? I think I’ve become a celiac. I think I’m going blind. Wait, that’s scurvy. Whatever.
- Fantasize about all the food that you can eat as soon as Passover is over. Remember pizza? Cake? Bagels? BEER?! It’s so close you can taste it.
- Literally go taste it: Go break passover. You’ve made it. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Food, glorious food. Cue “Oliver” (original Broadway performance in 1962). Never take bread for granted again. Go eat an entire challah loaf. L’chaim!
