To the left

Dear Tinder users,

Swipety swipe, I hear you. First of all, I have to come clean and admit that I do not actually have a Tinder account. I would like to say it is because of my strong morals, will to resist joining the bandwagon and value of real human interactions. But in reality, it is because I own a wonderful Windows Phone, which has an app store that doesn’t support Tinder or even a full version of Instagram. I have to use third party apps from Vietnam for Snapchat, which randomly breaks into Mongolian text every once in a while. Thanks Bill Gates! But anyway, being around friends who use the app like it’s going out of style and going on their accounts incognito occasionally has taught me about three very distinct types of Tinder users. Listen up boys and girls!

The first type of Tinder user is the comedian. He signs up for Tinder because they think the concept is the funniest thing to ever exist. This type of user usually makes his profile ridiculous, but just enough so that the account’s validity still seems plausible. Pictures of animals are usually present, as my one friend matched with an account called “Puppies” (probably the best thing to grace Tinder in my usage). The descriptions used by this user most probably will not make any sense, or even be in English on that note, and will include ironic puns nine times out of ten. Chatting will be extremely confusing and slightly terrifying, as this user is just in it for the laughs and social experiments. But when two comedian users come together, a dangerous realm might be entered: actual flirting. That’s right; while these users enter to make fun of those who actually use Tinder, there’s a very high chance that a true connection could be made. Real emotions are scary!

Next is the extra picky user. She is finding a soul mate on Tinder, no doubts about it. If you listen closely, each time this person swipes right, faint wedding bells can be heard in the distance. Maybe even a shattering glass, as the thirst has reached its final tipping point. Kidding! The thirst is kept at bay with this steadfast, determined candidate. Descriptions include only factual information, such as her real age, the university she is attending or attended and city. Pictures will also be picked very deliberately, with a perfect balance of solo shots and images with friends or family. Chatting with this person will almost always be initiated by the other party and be very specific. No casual hookups, and odd conversations are an ultimate no-no. While it may be difficult for the picky user to be satisfied by the smorgasbord that is presented by Tinder, a match can be made with enough determination. Or the easier alternative of, possibly, lowering standards.

Lastly are the prowlers. Everyone is a possible nice piece of meat in this world, and the prowler is famished and feeling fresh after finishing a weeklong juice cleanse. The prowler likes using an approach of deduction, with a larger pool available to work with. Chats will be deliberate like the picky users, but in a completely different application. Invitations for hook ups will come up at unprecedented speeds. Pictures may include, but are not limited to: headless body selfies, club shots with alarming amounts of strippers and beach pictures in Cancun or similar tropical areas with a margarita in hand. Salt all around that rim rim rim is right friends.

While there are many other variations and alternative types within the myriad of Tinder users, these three types of people always seem to be the most present. So get to swiping and awkwardly seeing your matches around campus now!

Best,

Henry