Hi, my name's Lex, and my iPhone has a problem: It's a bit of a drunk- ard. No, I'm being completely seri- ous. This is a very real everyday struggle for both my phone and me, and we're looking for help.
I'll back up a little bit to when our troubles first began. About a month ago, I upgraded to the new iPhone 5S when my 4S start- ed misbehaving. My new phone and I got along wonderfully until about two weeks ago, when it began hitting the happy juice behind my back. (Don't ask me how it's get- ting its nonexistent hands on the goods; I'm only 19 and it's definitely underage.)
Anyway, I'm sure you've all experienced "drunk texting," when you're a little too, ah, intoxicated to type on a tiny phone screen with any degree of accuracy. The results, when you re-read your messages the next morning, are often embarrassing and always entertaining. Well, my phone has recently developed the irritating habit of drunk texting at all hours of the day. It will change words as I type them, or be even more dastardly and change everything as I hit send, so right as I think I've actually man- aged to send a coherent message, it will win in the end. Sometimes it will even pull up random message chains and send texts, all of its own volition.
This has, as I'm sure you can imagine, been more than a little problematic. For example, a few days ago I was trying to make dinner plans with two of my good friends. Friend No. 1 proposed a specific night. I agreed. Friend No. 2 chimed in with a conflict and offered an alternative, in which time my phone managed to take a quick six or seven tequila shots.
Friend No. 2: I have a meeting that night 'till 8. But it usually ends earlier.
Me: Eellike. (Oh no!)
Friend No. 1: You have chapter at night? We could do brunch instead?
Me: Wi have fun (I have to run)
No. 1: Or we could go into Davis and do homework?
Me: W jv one l (I'd be down)
It took my friends a surprising amount of time to notice my abnormal answers. Friend No. 2 had previously experi- enced my drunken phone and was a skilled translator.
No. 1: ...
Me: I'm Taryin (I'm trying)
No. 2: Her phone spazzes.
Me: TYING (Trying)
No. 2: Trying.
Me: TWWUNGw (trying)
You get the picture. My friends contin-
ued to make plans, as I occasionally chimed in with insights like "piete in the cowe- neww" and "Puwt twhencOw." Eventually our plans were cemented, but only once I managed to use Siri to type for me.
And my drunken phone's antics don't stop there. While I was sitting in lecture, it attempted to call the same person six times in a row, with me furiously hitting the "end" button right before it managed to connect. Or a few weeks ago - I was in the shower and came back to my room to see my phone (alone in the room) having a grand old time FaceTiming random con- tacts, including an ex-teammate I haven't spoken to in years and my very confused great aunt. More than a little awkward, as I'm sure you can imagine.
In any event, my phone is quickly becom- ing a full-on alcoholic. I've been making excuses for as long as I can, but there's only so long you can pretend not to notice when someone close to you is in a downward spiral. If anyone can recommend a good Alcoholic Phones Anonymous support group to me, my email is below. In the meantime, I'm hopeful that things will start to turn around; I recently confiscated two handles, and I think my phone is running out of hiding places.
LexErath is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major. She can be reached at Alexandra.Erath@tufts.edu.
