November is here and winter is on its way. What does that have to do with the Bible? I have no idea, but I feel like everyone can relate to the weather.
This week, we're dealing with Samson from Judges 14-16. Samson, an Israelite, falls in love with a Philistine. The only problem is the Philistines are the Israelites' enemies. His parents object, saying, "Isn't there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people?" Incest is obviously the better option. Then they ask him, "Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?" I'm pretty sure the only thing differentiating groups back then was foreskin.
He marries her and sometime later goes to visit her, but her dad won't let him see her and offers his younger daughter instead. In a fit of rage, he ties 300 foxes together tail to tail with torches in between them, and the foxes scorch the Philistines' fields. All I have to say to that is one word: damn. The Philistines get mad, some other stuff happens and then Samson slaughters 1,000 of them with the jawbone of a donkey. That kind of seems impossible, but if it's in the Bible it has to be real.
Later, he falls in love with Delilah, another Philistine (how hot were these Philistines?), and their gods tell her to seduce him and figure out his weakness. The first three times he tricks her, but the fourth time he breaks down and finally reveals his Achilles' heel: "If my head is shaved, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man."
Only one question remains: did Samson use conditioner? Also, how many times a week are you supposed to condition? Is it three?
So Delilah now knows his weakness and makes him "sleep on her knees." Okay, that's a serious red flag. If a girl makes you sleep on her knees, you should know something is up. Anyway, a dude comes over in the middle of the night and shaves his head. Samson cries, "Use a number seven razor, not a six!" Then he loses his power.
Now, who at Tufts would be powerless without their hair? The lacrosse team. Tufts Lax is the modern-day Samson. There's no doubt about it.
Here's how I see it. The best Tufts lacrosse player meets a girl from Conn. College on OkCupid and they start hooking up. He has the most beautiful flow on the team and doesn't even use conditioner. The thing is this girl is secretly in cahoots with the Conn. College lacrosse team, but the Tufts player has no idea. The night before their playoff game, she stays over at his house. In the middle of the night, she wakes up and grabs scissors from her bag and does the unthinkable: cuts off his flow. The next morning, he wakes up and she's gone. He scratches his flow-less head and realizes it was all a setup. "It was all a setup!" he shouts, but he doesn't have time to dwell on it; he's got a big game to play.
When he gets to the field, a player asks him, "Dude, what happened to your flow?" He starts to cry, but pulls it together. During the game, he's incredibly disoriented. In the final 20 seconds, he scores on his own goal and Tufts loses the game. Everyone is in shock. Monaco gives an impromptu press conference announcing that he'll be expelled from the university.
Two months later, his flow has grown back and for that he's grateful. It's the little things in life. Win or lose, flow will always grow back.
Ben Zuckert is a senior who is majoring in political science. He can be reached at Benjamin.Zuckert@tufts.edu.
