In the immortal words of hip-hop's Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges, Baby what's your fantasy fantasy? OK. That's not exactly what Luda said when he laid down the hottest of rhymes 11 years ago. But three hard-hitting Daily sports columnists have taken this question head-on — specifically, what would be our dream lineups of fictional baseball superstars?
The fantasy fantasy snake draft happened over the weekend and, on Tuesday and Wednesday, Alex Prewitt and Ethan Sturm, respectively, revealed their squads, complete with nine position players and one manager.
But here's the rub: My fantasy fantasy team is superior to their fantasy fantasy teams. Under my command, "The Wild Floaters" will take the title even with our budget in the toilet. Sorry I'm not sorry we can't buy off the Roy Hobbses of the world. "The Wild Floaters" were assembled based on qualities undervalued by the establishment: wunderkinds, voodoo and people who sleep with Susan Sarandon. Lo and behold:
1st round, 2nd overall: Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, P, "Major League" (1989)
Because #winning is all that matters.
2nd round, 5th overall: Henry Rowengartner, P, "Rookie of the Year" (1993)
This is a steal, though Henry's superhuman strength depends on him not tripping on the mound and re-breaking his arm — unless he goes with the floater! They'll never expect it! Plus I'd rescue him from the hapless Cubs onto a team that can actually win in the clutch.
3rd round, 8th overall: Pablo Sanchez, SS, "Backyard Baseball"
Sanchez is the greatest fictional hitter of all time. "Pabs" combines the clutchness of Derek Jeter with the focused foot wag of Albert Pujols with the effortless power and exposed chubby midriff of Manny Ramirez. From the moment "The Secret Weapon" steps into the box, raises his hand in salute and reveals a smile eternally plastered on his face, the game is over. He even has a personal blimp that follows him around from backyard to backyard.
4th round, 11th overall: Pedro Cerrano, DH, "Major League" (1989)
Cerrano'schicken-slaying voodoo will come in handy, plus he'll be able to relay messages to Sanchez, who has only uttered the famous words, "Hasta la vista, balón," and "Mándameunabuena." More on Cerrano later.
5th round, 14th overall: Sylvester Codmeyer III, OF, "The Kid Who Only Hit Homers" (1972)"
HE ONLY HIT HOMERS, PEOPLE.
6th round, 17th overall: Al "The Boss" Angel, Manager, "Angels in the Outfield "(1994)
An angel is the only being fit to keep a clubhouse of drunks, children and violent chicken slayers running smoothly. Well, either an angel or Terry Francona.
7th round, 20th overall: Nuke Laloosh, P, "Bull Durham" (1988)
8th round, 23rd overall: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, 2B, "The Sandlot" (1993)
9th round, 26th overall: Miguel Santos, P, "Sugar" (2008)
10th round, 29th overall: T-Rex Pennebaker, "Mr. 3000" (2004)
Favorite Pick not from the "Wild Floaters:" Sturm's Ryan Dunne, "Summer Catch" (2001)
This is a strong pick because of search-engine optimization. Sturm wants people to read his column, so he throws in the obligatory quip about Dunne's girlfriend Tenley Parrish, played by a super-hot Jessica Biel.
Least Favorite Pick: Dave King from Prewitt's "Little Big Major League of Their Own"
Turns out that King, the title character from the book "The Kid Who Batted 1.000" (1951), hails from rural Oklahoma where he raises chickens. Well, good thing "The Wild Floaters" have Pedro Cerrano as our designated hitter, who when he's not mashing homers mashes chickens into a pulp! So what if King can never be gotten out! Good luck getting your leadoff hitter to the ballpark, Prewitt, when King's holding funerals for his beloved chickens every night.
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Ben Kochman is a junior who is majoring in English. He can be reached bkoch.tufts@gmail.com and on Twitter at benkochman.
