1. I've been meaning to do a list column for weeks now, and since this is my last regular column before my super special commencement issue, this is my last chance.
2. People often ask, "Euge, you have such amazing taste in movies and television, what is your favorite movie? I want to be on you." And after exchanging numbers (or fluids) I tell them that one of the most perfect movies ever made was "The Fifth Element" (1997). Wanna know why? Let me start my list at number three:
3. The number one (three) reason that this movie is fantastic is the cast. For you plebes that don't know, "The Fifth Element" is a science−fiction, adventure, space−opera, end−of−the−universe, good−versus−evil romp. It stars Bruce Willis (before he went bald in 2007's "Live Free or Die Hard" and after 1995's "Die Hard with a Vengeance," just for reference), Chris Tucker (one of my favorite actors: He increases the numerical score of this movie from a 7 to a perfect 12), Milla Jovovich (you'd know her from the "Resident Evil" franchise) and Ian Holm (BILBO BAGGINS). It's a great cast, with actors who complement each other's strengths (Bruce Willis is a fantastic comedic foil for Chris Tucker's antics), but there's one in particular that I must highlight with his own number:
4. This movie has Gary Oldman in it. Do you know who Gary Oldman is? No, of course you don't, because you're an uneducated goat herder. I could, and in retrospect probably should, write an entire article about my bro−love for Oldman. He's been in every movie you have ever loved. Let's start old school: "True Romance" (1993), "Leon: The Professional" (1994), "Air Force One" (1997) and skip another dozen or so movies to get us to "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (2004) where he was Sirius Black, or maybe jump to "Batman Begins" (2005) where he was that smooth talking badass, Jim Gordon. This chameleon is number one on my other list of men that could seduce me — my sexual kryptonite, if you will. In this movie, though, Bruce Willis tries to save life as we know it from an unknown evil, which uses Gary Oldman as its pawn. And he is a delightfully evil and charming bad guy.
5. It was directed by Luc Besson. You prejudiced dirt farmer! You don't know who he is? He wrote "La Femme Nikita" (1990), "Kiss of the Dragon" (2001) and "The Transporter" trilogy (2002, '05, '08) and directed "Leon: The Professional" (1994). He's like the French Nelson Mandela.
6. There are countless examples of symbolism and imagery in the film that go unnoticed during the first viewing, and so "The Fifth Element" rewards a second, third and sixteenth time around the block (kind of like my harlot ex−girlfriend — I will never forgive you, Catherine Middleton!). Bruce Willis' shape, for example, is a square and you will see it on−screen with him once in almost every scene. In contrast, Gary Oldman's shape is a circle.
7. It's just plain awesome. Space battles, a literal space opera scene, cool aliens and Chris Tucker screams — it's a movie you can tune into and start watching at any point. It's the little things that make it great, like the super awesome weapons that look like Nerf guns, or the floating Chinese restaurant or the sweet soundtrack.
8. I don't really have a number eight, I just think eight is a good number. Everyone should watch this movie, but there are others that everyone should watch, too, like "The Green Mile" (1999) or "The Shawshank Redemption" (1994), and even "Pootie Tang" (2001). It's sort of like sex: you shouldn't have to cry to think a movie is amazing.
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