I took a wonderfully overpriced Amtrak train back home last week for a couple days of R & R. Between home-cooked, non-Market Basket meals and visits to unemployed friends living with their parents, I made a wonderful discovery. A very good friend of mine took me to a recently opened microbrewery right near my house. As I enjoyed free samples of Captain Lawrence Double IPA and Kölsch, I got to thinking about the variety of golden elixirs we know and love on campus. It made me very sad. While I'm no sociology major, I thought maybe a brief classification of the beers on campus would be an interesting project. And so, without further ado, in order of descending quality, the Tufts beer scene:
The special occasion: Bottled beer that costs more than $8 for a six-pack. This is a tiny minority of beer on campus but also the kind with the most examples: Long Trail, Harpoon, Rogue, Dogfish Head, etc. These are delicious. However, they are also expensive. When we have real incomes, we can get to know these better.
Hecho en Mexico/The study abroad experience: Corona, Dos Equis, Heineken and Amstel. Anyone who has spent two seconds in Europe can vouch for the latter two. They are everywhere — in bars, in clubs, in restaurants, in roadside kiosks, for crying out loud. Corona and Dos Equis are a smidge below the first grouping but still good choices for a beer to kick back and relax with.
The up-and-comers: Narragansett and Rolling Rock. Due to the quality-to-cost ratio, they've earned the third spot. Rolling Rock bottles have recently stormed the castle with dirt-cheap prices, and there's nothing better than a tall boy of Narragansett. It's also a Rhode Island beer: +1.
You think I'm good because I have funny ads during football games: Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite and Coors Light. I will admit I like your commercials. "PLAYOFFS?!" (Coors Light) and "Mr. Really Bad Toupee Wearer" (Budweiser) are classics, but your beer isn't particularly delicious. And some of your gimmicks — cold-activated mountains? If my beer has been in the fridge for a while, Coors, it will be cold. Vortex bottle? Aside from the actual physics involved (again, this is coming from an English major) … WTF, Miller Lite? On top of that, these beers are in the awkward price range between good stuff and water, making them inefficient as party beer and unsatisfying as a chill beer. Poor form.
Really? This isn't beer: Bud Light Lime, Miller Genuine Draft 64 and Bud Select 55. No. You're not allowed to artificially flavor beer. That's not cool. That's not delicious. MGD 64 and Bud Select 55 are meant to be low-calorie beers. They taste like water but not like high-quality New England water — more like grimy, Florida swamp water.
Tinted water in an aluminum can: PBR, Natty Light, Keystone Light, Busch Light, Milwaukee's Best (aka "The Beast") and Genny Light. Ah, the Tufts comfort zone. Quality beer? Absolutely not. But it's cheap. Good for parties and perfect for drinking games. Love it.
The ultimate bargain: Olde English, Steel Reserve, King Cobra and Colt 45. Oh, malt liquor, what to say? The only time you should ever be consumed is when duct-taped to my hands.
And finally, last and also least — the what-happened-last-night category: Keystone Ice, "Natty Ice," Icehouse and Four Loko. Sad face.
