So I went to the new Harry Potter movie last week, and — I'm about to lose a bunch of friends saying this — it was terrible.
Look, I love Harry as much as the next guy from the '90s. Magic is dope. I waited in line at midnight for the release of the third book. I even try to accio the TV remote from time to time. Harry Potter is not my issue. My problem is with that weaselly, money-grubbing, holier-than-thou entity known as Hollywood. Yes, I know holier-than-thou doesn't fit, but it's fun to write.
OK, where to dive in with this vent? Let's start with the most blatant and overt offense — splitting the last book into two movies. First off, a message from all of us out there: go to hell, Hollywood. How dare you make us wait another seven and a half months just so you can collect during the summer blockbuster season. I understand that you, Hollywood, have no soul and are greedy. But you're running away with more of our money than Bernie Madoff. This went too far.
Deathly Hallows is a book that can't be split up. Why? Because nothing happens. The first 7 million pages of the last book just set up the final battle between Mr. Potter and a noseless Ralph Fiennes. There are no goofy Hogwarts shenanigans. No Quidditch. It's just a couple of British chaps sitting around, worrying about the fate of the world and looking sad. If I wanted to see that, I'd turn on the BBC.
The movie, as a result, was a series of scenes of the protagonists and their tent framed by exotic, over-the-top locations. There was a whole bunch of dithering. There were many dramatic, intense faces. Then — SPOILER ALERT — Dobby dies, and the movie leaves you with a cliffhanger. Not pleased.
Every friend I mention this to responds with the stock, "but they were being accurate to the book." Oh really? I must have missed the Harry-Hermione professional dance routine the first read-around. And I guess Ron imagining Harry and Hermione munching face slipped my memory too. Hollywood wants to have its cake and eat it too, and I'm not playing ball. If you're going to stick to the book, stick to the book. If you are going to embellish and throw in Hollywood additions, then can we please have an Emma Watson shower scene? I'm just saying...
You know what is annoying me most about this movie? It's that people are loving it, and voicing the opposite opinion is heresy. Why was this so good? There's nothing like the dope Dumbledore-Voldemort battle from the fifth or the Dumbledore being a boss at the end of the sixth. Other than one blatant penis-wand comment, there's really not much comedy. Regardless, Deathly Hallows has the highest rating of any of the Potter films on IMDb.com. I don't get it.
All in all, the movie was as disappointing as a South Park "old fashioned." It took a long time, wasn't very exciting and had an anti-climactic climax. And think about how awesome a three-hour, full-book movie would have been. But no, the Harry Potter frenzy has reached a level where the quality is no longer important. It's a name tag attached to a number of very, very large bank accounts. It makes me want to go all CJ Saraceno on this and call for a Harry Potter ban.
Wait a second. Hold up. Who am I kidding? That's going a bit far. Only 228 days until part two. Are ticket preorders available yet?
