I have been writing this column for nearly two months now, and I can't help but feel as though there's an explanation in order. Although I began writing with the intention of creating gender-neutral material, it's ended up being largely biased toward women's fashion. The fact of the matter is that men's fashion has the opposite sexual effect as women's fashion, which inevitably makes it less entertaining to write about. What do I care if a guy wears a Dolce & Gabbana suit or a Tom Ford one? He'll look sexy in either. The decision between a jumpsuit and harem pants, however, is far more debatable.
I have a theory behind this blatant inequality in male and female dress. It boils down to simple, physical chemistry: The majority of fashion designers must like penises. From straight women such as Ann Demeulemeester and Frida Giannini to gay men like Tom Ford, Marc Jacobs and the late Alexander McQueen, why would these fashion gods have chosen to dress their flawless male models in outfits that they didn't deem sexually attractive?
If a straight man had the opportunity to dress about 15 long-legged, gazelle-like women, do you really think his first thought would be maxi skirts and harem pants? Hardly. In fact, he probably wouldn't dress them at all.
In order to prove my point, here is a short list of sexy, Vogue-approved fashion items for men:
Skinny/straight-leg pants: While women wander around in oversized jeans and pants that make it impossible to tell where their crotch begins, men get to enjoy the advantages of showing off their bums in thigh-hugging jeans and dress pants. After all, straight men aren't the only ones who enjoy seeing the opposite sex in tight, form-fitting clothing. Why else would I watch the baseball team practice in high school?
Skinny ties: Skinny ties are useful for making the male chest appear broader. It's a matter of proportions: Wear a thick tie, and your chest will seem less robust. Fashionable women, on the other hand, should have no chest. This is unfortunate and rather socially impractical, since men normally like boobs. I'm sure that even lesbian women like boobs. However, gay male and straight female designers apparently have very little use for them. Boobs are a fashion faux pas.
Short shorts: Both Dolce & Gabanna's and Gucci's Spring 2011 menswear lines include very fitted shorts that cut off well above the knee. So while women are being thrown back into a '50s ankle fetish revival, men reap the benefits of the '70s and get to show some leg. And let's face it — it's practically a law of nature that all men have nice calves.
Despite how easy it is for men to be both fashionable and sexy, it's much harder to convince them to dress accordingly. Men who care about clothing have been defined by the condescending term "metrosexual," which somehow has been colloquially transformed to imply lessened masculinity. It's practically the 21st century version of being a leper.
Tufts men frequently scorn fitted jeans and shirts and replace them with more "manly" athletic gear, like oversized sweats accompanied by running shoes. I would complain more about this fact, but to be honest, I secretly condone it. Their irrational fear of appearing feminine levels the fashion playing field for women like myself. If the male student body insists upon wearing woman-repelling baseball caps and clothing that looks like it was tailored to fit a hippo, then surely I can continue to prance around in my non-sexy, jockstrap-inspired Alexander Wang underwear.
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Ashley Wood is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at Ashley.Wood@tufts.edu.
