There have undoubtedly been plenty of times that you have been interested in someone, and it seems apparent that the guy is digging you. You exchange flirtatious remarks in class and you always seem to run into him on Saturday night. But as often as you interact, he hasn't made the effort to ask you out. You replay all of your encounters, and after serious evaluation, you still don't understand how he could have missed the signs. It is clear you have made an effort to notify him that you're interested, and yet there isn't even so much as a trip to Brown and Brew for coffee in the future.
And then you ask yourself, "Should I ask him out?" What's the big deal about asking a guy on a date? Females in our society have worked incredibly hard to break down societal norms in regard to women's sexuality. But does it make a difference if a woman asks out a man? Are we presenting ourselves as impatient, eager and desperate? What if the guy is just shy?
Men's social behaviors follow a structured pattern. Regardless if a guy is shy or reserved, if he is interested, he will ask you out. Now, the date may be as informal as a trip to the dining hall or as extravagant as dinner at Turner Fisheries, but if he wants to take you out, he'll ask.
I am not suggesting that it's the guy's job or that a woman should never ask a guy out, but there are some concerns when a guy is hesitant.
Women's and men's thought processes are completely different. While women use more of their emotional side to rationalize, men tend to draw upon logical strategy to reason. If a guy is just looking for a hookup, he will be uneager and unwilling to invest time and money in the process. He knows all too well that a few minutes flirting on the dance floor and a flash of his fob will provide him the satisfaction he needs. Most men use economic reasoning by weighing the advantages and disadvantages of their decisions. A date represents potential and is not a foreseeable goal if he is strictly looking for sex.
It's interesting how women function when it comes to potential hookups. While both men and women can decide to put up a protective barrier against the idea of a relationship, women can easily chisel a crack in the foundation if the right person comes along. Unlike women, if a man has decided to stay single, no woman — as perfect for him as she might be — will ever convince him otherwise. Yes, if you ask him out on a date, he will probably go, but what comes after that date is emotional hell. If a woman is looking to date, she can possibly envision some potential future. Whether it's a second date or full-blown relationship, a date is a possible investment.
While you may date, you have set yourself up for an impossible challenge. With the assumption that the date was a success, each day you will become infatuated with the idea of something more, and the chase will begin. The mind games have started, and you will spend an infinite amount of time trying to coerce him into something more. It's a genetic urge to manipulate situations, and we will do anything in our power to be "the one" who could break down his wall.
So as interested as he might seem, if he is not asking you out, he's most likely not interested in anything more than an unemotional and detached hookup. If you have begun a connection on two separate wavelengths, pursuing him can eventually end in opposite needs. To save yourself havoc, grief and a potential headache, sometimes it's worth it to step back and accept that he's emotionally unavailable.
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Logan Crane is a rising senior majoring in political science. She can be reached at Logan.Crane@tufts.edu.
