A manual on how to be a better lover, "How to Treat a Woman: The Art and Science of Sex Whispering" has arrived fresh off the press, just in time for the bed-romping of Valentine's Day. Thomas Paine, M.D. (a pseudonym) touts his book as a step-by-step guide for young men in how to become a "sex whisperer." The book begins, "The mission of a sex whisperer is to give a woman the gift of an orgasm (it is taken for granted that the sex whisperer will have one)."
Paine gives young men the "seven pillars of sex whispering," ranging from "the clitoris-urethra-vaginal tissue complex" to "female sexual variability and sexual communication." He painstakingly explains the role of foreplay to various "erogenous zones" and backs his theories up with various sexual experiments, all the while describing just what to do during sex. While he is clear and frank in his discussion, Paine mostly succeeds in sucking out all the intrigue and excitement that surrounds sex. Glossy, full-color diagrams of genitalia galore are inserted in the middle of the book, with handy side-by-side comparisons between the anatomy of a penis and a clitoris. This may be to the point, but is not altogether helpful or inspiring.
Interestingly, halfway through the book, all talk of the female orgasm ceases and a high-school sexual education textbook commences. The longest chapter in this book is about sexually-transmitted diseases; birth control comes in at a close second. To summarize, Paine urges young men to use a condom and to not give women their sexually transmitted diseases. Does anyone really need to read a book to tell them women would appreciate that?
"How to Treat a Woman" is a motley combination of statistics, the history of sex and dry instructions on how to stimulate your partner. It is not detailed enough to be research material, not juicy enough for pleasure and just boring enough to never get you through the seven pillars to achieve the elusive status of "sex whisperer." While it is chock full of research studies about female sexuality, Paine's glib use of flowery titles like "sex whisperer" and creation of a set of sexual pillars severely dilutes the credibility of his manual.
Everything in this book could be found in an issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. Over-saturated discussion of the elusive G-spot, multiple orgasms, coital alignment technique and the importance of communication fills the pages. There is nothing revolutionary or unique about "How to Treat a Woman."
The only redeeming parts of Paine's manual come when he occasionally spouts a few mildly interesting statistics. He lists the average duration of sex before male ejaculation as categorized by nation (seven minutes for the United States, five minutes and 48 seconds for Spain) to support the idea of pacing during sex. He mentions that while 25 percent of women report always having an orgasm with intercourse, 33 percent report never achieving orgasm. Unfortunately, the newly minted "sex whisperers" of Paine's tutelage may not learn enough to improve these statistics.
It is no small feat to render discussion of ribbed condoms, lube and nipple stimulation mind-numbingly boring. What is not common sense in this book are the pages and pages of scientific quotation. A Cosmopolitan magazine would at least have some embarrassingly amusing testimonials or erotica-esqe how-to's. Instead, young men are given a painful instructional manual akin to a textbook, but a lot less trustworthy.
Read this guide, young men of Tufts, and perhaps you too can achieve the level of "sex whisperer." However, keep in mind that you may be $20 richer and much more educated and entertained with Wikihow.com, pornography or just plain practice.
