As the holiday season quickly came and went and birthdays were interspersed throughout the year, we here at the Mattel Company recently released what was named the worst toy of 2008: the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Barbie doll. Even though we rated this appropriate for children ages six and up, the doll comes with short shorts shorter than Spud Webb, boots skankier than Courtney Love and a halter top that leaves little to the imagination. While the media backlash over this particular toy has been extraordinary, we have decided to continue with our strategy of churning out toys that make parents convulse and kids shriek.
So today I present to you the Spring 2009 Sports Toys of the Year line, all sold separately, and appropriate for kids of all ages, genders and BMIs.
First, I would like to reveal our sure-to-be-popular Michael Phelps action figure. Of course, this comes with the standard features like an earth-splitting primal scream and arms that flail like Michael Flatley. But in light of recent events, we deemed it marketable to the five-and-under demographic to include his newest feature: a full-fledged bong complete with real marijuana.
That's right, moms and dads -- for the low price of $19.99, your child can get higher than Willie Nelson at a Snoop Dogg concert. It's the perfect thing to teach your kids: They can be baked quicker than a Duncan Hines pastry and can still remain a superhero in the public's eye. Just like our Barbie doll preaches great expectations for girls, our one-of-a-kind Phelps toy gives you that chiseled 30-pack and a high that lasts until the London Olympics.
Next up, we have our Tyler Hansbrough toy, which will definitely be in high demand come March Madness, so you might want to pick it up fast. This comes equipped with our patented one-touch technology, which causes the action figure to flop like a beached trout and scream in agony from the slightest physical tap.
Third in line is the Brett Favre Special. With three different types of pants -- football, Wrangler Jeans and Retirement Levis -- your kid is sure to never have a dull moment with this gem, as it'll flood your household with a constant stream of waterworks. Pull the little string on the back and he recites the same old speech we've come to know and love: "No regrets. I played the game one way. The only way I knew how." Well, after buying this toy, you surely will have no regrets as your kids scream in excitement and learn how to throw a football through a tire.
We recently had to pull our Plaxico Burress toy -- even though we thought that it would provide constant fun for America's youth -- because of his recent civil lawsuits. The gun on his hip, however, provides a nice touch that teaches kids about both gun safety and the harmless benefits of firearms.
Last but certainly not least, I would like to draw your attention to the culmination of our 2009 line, the Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez Stupid Youth toy. Although this toy should serve a useful purpose for 15 years, it is illegal in both the United States and the Dominican Republic and is subject to random testing by government agents. But that shouldn't stop you from purchasing this for your kids, as this beefed-up, cheating toy is the perfect role model for all those aspiring baseball players out there. Be sure to listen as it blames its issues on being a "stupid youth." Now, for a limited time only, you can purchase two A-Rod action figures and get a lifetime case of Tic-Tacs for free!
So go on down to your local Toys "R" Us and shell out hundreds of dollars for action heroes that are guaranteed to make a lasting impression on your child.
Just keep my kids the hell away from that aisle.
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Alex Prewitt is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Alexander.Prewitt@tufts.edu.
