Tree suing Michael Canton

    The President's Lawn Tree has filed a petition for a restraining order against Michael Canton, arguing in a brief to the Middlesex District Court that it does not need the mystery organizer's help and is "quite frankly a little weirded out by the man in the banana suit who won't stop fondling my branches."
    Grace Ross, the former Green-Rainbow candidate for governor, has agreed to represent the tree, noting that her years of tree hugging have given her the ability to communicate with trees by softly stroking their roots. Mark Wahlberg has also decided to briefly suspend his campaign aimed at saluting the mothers of a record number of farm animals in order to offer his help.
    In its brief, filed yesterday, the tree asked the court for special relief via euthanasia. The tree called euthanasia the "safe and controlled" option, but also expressed few qualms about "offing myself and taking Gifford House down with me."
    The tree cited its old age and the refusal of the administration to let it retire to Florida as two prominent reasons for its decision.
    But it was the recent invasion of costume-bearing hippies that really got its branches in a bind. "People make fun of me all the time for breathing carbon dioxide," the tree said. "But over the past 100 years, I've actually gotten used to the stuff. But hippie odor  — I mean, I take more showers than those guys. And don't even get me started on the armpit hair."
    The President's Lawn Bush has filed an amicus curiae brief with the court, arguing that euthanizing the tree would leave an opening for the younger generation of foliage to assert itself. "Also, maybe I could convince the banana guy to come play in my leaves," the bush said.
    The man in the banana suit, who requested anonymity, said he is amenable to that solution. "As long as you don't make me go back to Wren," he said. "Have you ever tried sleeping there?"