Last week, I watched, for probably the 20th time, "Tommy Boy," starring the late, great Chris Farley.
One of the best scenes is just after Richard and Tommy get into a fight outside the Prehistoric Forest diner. After apparently not finding the meat lover's pizza in the trunk, they venture inside to grab some chow.
Sitting in awkward silence as 1960s pop star Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry" plays, Tommy stares goofily at Richard, who obviously feels badly about smacking Tommy in the face with a 2x4.
With Lee's chart-topping hit in mind, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to some of the people who I've criticized or bashed over the course of the past year.
Here goes:
Carlos Gomez, I doubted you. I'm sorry for saying you weren't the next Rickey Henderson. You hit for the cycle on May 7, becoming the first Twins player since Kirby Puckett in 1986 to accomplish the feat. In doing so, you became the third-youngest player in league history to hit for the cycle. The second youngest? Alex Rodriguez.
That's right, A-Rod. Saying you weren't Rickey Henderson was an insult.
You're on pace for roughly 80 steals, and you can cover the entire outfield. Here's a new defensive scheme: Have Cuddyer and Young cover the lines, and you cover the rest. No ball would reach the wall. No extra-base hits. Torii who? You think Jacoby Ellsbury or Melky Cabrera can do that? Not a chance.
You know what that means: division championship. Hell, let's go further. Wait 'til you see 50,000 homer hankies in the stands of the Metrodome! World champions. Screw this 2010 talk. We're going for it in 2008.
I suppose I should also apologize to GM Bill Smith. Mr. Smith, I applauded the acquisition of Delmon Young, but I had the audacity to compare you to Kevin McHale after the Johan Santana trade. I said it was the worst trade offer of them all. I said you were over your head, and that this trade was one of the dumbest in franchise history. I also questioned why you were so high on Deolis Guerra, a guy who is probably still in diapers down in single A.
None of that matters, though, Mr. Smith. You picked up future Cy Young winner Livan Hernandez. Genius. Johan who? This guy's more than just an innings-eater. He's a shut-down, in-your-face mauler. In a recent game against the Tigers, Miguel Cabrera struck out on a 65-mph curve, and began screaming Spanish obscenities at Livan. Sorry you couldn't figure our guy out, Miguel. You simply got owned.
Don't feel badly, though. Livan's been dominating everybody. All thanks to you, Mr. Smith. Keep up the good work. Maybe we can take the training wheels off Deolis' bike soon, too. Let me know.
Lastly, for those who read this column even on a somewhat regular basis, you know that I regularly rip the Timberwolves organization for its consistent propensity to make astonishingly boneheaded decisions. That being said, I should apologize to GM Kevin McHale. There are very few people in this world who can singlehandedly bring ecstasy to an entire region - New England - while simultaneously bringing depression and anger to an entirely different region. That takes skill, and I didn't recognize it. For that, I'm sorry.
Mr. McHale, if you love basketball and the Wolves as much as you say you do, please recognize your faults - à la Terry Ryan - and retire. You could move to Boston, too. That'd be nice. At least here they'd appreciate you.
On a more personal note, since this is the last installment of "Welcome to the Jungle," I want to let you know how much I've loved writing each week. I truly hope you've enjoyed reading it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Thanks so much.
Ross Marrinson graduates today with a degree in international relations. He can be reached at Ross.Marrinson@tufts.edu.
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