Last week saw the release of the long-awaited "Super Smash Bros: Brawl" for the Nintendo Wii, resulting in a 30 percent decrease in male social activity on college campuses across the United States. While we here at the Daily are grateful for the massive expansion of fighters that appear in this edition, there are a few neglected characters we feel should have been included.
(Warning: this list contains nerd vocabulary that may not be suitable for n00bs and liberal arts majors. If you need help understanding something, please consult an engineer friend.)
10. Natalie Portman: Does this even need explanation? Her taunt would be to threaten to star in another "Star Wars" prequel, or perhaps to shave her head again. The real killer would be her smash attack, which would involve cantaloupe, a pelican and industrial strength epoxy.
9. Lord Xenu: As Scientologists know well, when anyone with a Thetan level below six selects Lord Xenu as their character, the Wii immediately melts into a liquid goo and digests itself.
8. Quailman: Doug's superhero alter-ego never got enough attention for all the good work he did, so he deserves a chance to show us what he can actually do. We've always wondered - if he wears his underpants on the outside, does he have another pair on the inside?
7. Lolcats: I IZ IN UR SUPER SMASH HITTIN UR DOODZ. NOM NOM NOM I EATED UR MANZ! INVIZIBLE KITTEH GRAB!
6. Harry Potter: Avada Kedavra! Yeah, beat that, Jigglypuff.
5. The Guitar Hero: Consider the appeal of combining two of the most popular video game franchises ever. So what if he's not used to combat? He's got a blunt instrument in his hand that's way more powerful than Mr. Game and Watch's stupid frying pan. And his super smash move would be a no-brainer: star power, anyone?
4. Oregon Trail family: Their hunting skills have been honed to perfection in their journey across the states; they don't brawl so much as they shoot the other characters like so many buffalo. Weaknesses include caulking the wagon and floating it and severe bouts of dysentery. You shot 1400 pounds of meat but are only able to carry 200 to the next level, sorry.
3. Aunt Jemima: She has quietly graced the tables of so many thankless American families, providing them with her syrupy sweetness morning after morning only to be thrown out with the trash when she has nothing more to give. Now her rage of countless years will be loosed upon the virtual world. Havoc has never tasted so sweet.
2. The dog from "Duck Hunt": Honestly, who wouldn't want to beat this guy up? All he does is snicker when you miss a duck, and as soon as you shoot one, his saliva's already all over it. His taunt can be his signature laugh as he cowers behind the grass, impervious to all the times we've tried to shoot him with the gun instead of the ducks. Many have suspected that this frustration is the cause of much animal mistreatment, both dogs and ducks.
1. Godzilla: Who better for a game called "Super Smash Bros." than a character that does nothing but smash? Now that he's got large buildings and entire cities under his belt, you think an electric rat or a little monkey can stop him? Sorry, Yoshi. Make way for a real dragon.
-compiled by the Daily Arts Department
