I realize that I'm opening a second straight article with a Will Ferrell quote, but "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
The biggest story of this baseball offseason is getting no airtime. It's like Lindsay Lohan just got caught having a threesome with President Bush and Ron Jeremy, while Suri Cruise was in the corner freebasing crack cocaine off of Saddam Hussein's ass cheek, and no one is talking about it!
Forget Clemens and his tiny testicles. Forget Pettitte and his "misrememberings." Forget Johan Santana and Mr. Met's illegitimate half-Venezuelan, half-baseball-for-a-head children. I never, ever thought I would say this, but where the hell is ESPN's Pedro Gomez?
And where the hell is Barry Bonds?
It's Feb. 22, and the second-greatest player in the history of baseball is out of a job. It's not just that he's jobless - it's that nobody wants him. There isn't even a whisper or rumor as to where he will end up. His former San Francisco Giants have a Barry-free bounce in their step.
It's like the high school in "Mean Girls" (2004) after the anti-Regina George intervention. Aaron Rowand is organizing bowling nights. Barry Zito is the new veteran who sets the tone for his team. They are thrilled to have Barry Bonds, baseball's home run king, off their team.
No one doubts that Barry Bonds is a jerk. He's cold, rude, unfriendly, self-involved and probably a little crazy. He's approaching Michael Jackson status - you respect his talent, but you would never let him babysit your kids.
He has a ton of baggage and is likely to hurt the clubhouse chemistry on whichever team he plays for. Every team knows that signing Barry Bonds means signing the circus that comes along with him. The cloud of steroids will constantly hang over your clubhouse, and the focus of your team often will shift away from winning and toward the soap opera that is Barry Bonds.
Also, don't forget: Barry is old. He is 44 years old and hasn't played in more than 150 games since his 73-homer 2001 season. His knees have been a problem for years, so he would most certainly have to DH if he wants to extend his career.
But what makes this story so interesting is that Barry Bonds isn't some washed-up Juan Gonzalez (who just got invited to the St. Louis Cardinals' camp, by the way) trying to make a comeback.
Last year, Bonds hit 24 home runs in 340 at-bats and had an on-base percentage of .480. These aren't good numbers - they're great numbers. Steroids or no steroids, Bonds is still one of the best hitters in all of baseball. In terms of production, signing Bonds doesn't seem to be a risk at all. He can be had for a price way below what his numbers call for.
It seems like GMs around the league called a secret Justice League-style meeting and decided that they had had enough. Led by Brian "Superman" Sabean, Brian "Aquaman" Cashman and Theo "Wonder Woman" Epstein, they came to the conclusion that Barry was no longer supposed to be a part of this sport. They felt the only way to usher baseball out of the steroid-tainted era was to make baseball Bonds-free.
But I don't care what the reports say - every GM in baseball knows that adding Barry Bonds makes their team significantly better. That's why, at some point in the next month, someone will out of nowhere procure the cojones needed to sign the veteran. And the guy who does is going to look like a genius.
Gideon Jacobs is a freshman who has not yet declared a major. He can be reached at Gideon.Jacobs@tufts.edu.
