Tuesday marked the beginning of Hanukkah, a celebration of the miracle that kept an amount of oil that would normally only be enough for one night burning for eight while the Maccabees successfully revolted against the oppressive, anti-Semitic King of Syria.
In the midst of this season of giving thanks for family and friends, it is important to also recognize the more universal miracles that improve our lives significantly. Therefore, while playing dreidel, singing Adam Sandler's song and lighting candles, we compiled a list of the top ten miracles that changed the world for the better. Without Miracle Whip, moist sandwiches would include many more calories and without penicillin, people with gonorrhea would die. What a terrible world it would be.
10. Miracle Whip: What can you think of that's more disgusting than mayonnaise? Fake mayonnaise! It certainly is a miracle that there's a market for something so universally dreadful: a product with the taste of mayo and the texture of whipped cream.
9. "Miracle of Life": Ah yes, the classic informative video that scarred all of our gentle 13-year-old psyches. "Whoa, wait, the baby comes OUT of there? What am I looking at? Is that a ... AW, GROSS!" Sound familiar?
8. The Miracle Drug: No, not Viagra - but enabling 70 year-old men to have erections is pretty amazing. "The Miracle Drug" refers to penicillin, the first antibiotic ever discovered. Originally found in mold, penicillin has saved countless infected people from dying and allowed many cup-sharers and non-hand-washers to pass on their unhygienic genes, thereby tainting humanity for countless generations to come.
7. The Internet: lolz
6. "Miracle" (2004): This movie is rapidly making its way into the echelon of classic sports movies, telling the tale of the 1980 USA Olympic hockey team's victory over the seemingly invincible Russian team. Along with "Rocky IV" (1985), it has that great American anti-communist Cold War theme running through it. Damn Reds can't play hockey worth a damn; it's best left to the Canadians.
5. Evolution: Humans have changed from mutant fish-frogs to bone-wielding Neanderthals to the wonderful creatures we've become today. Now, we can make lovely gadgets that help facilitate everyday life like blenders, cars and atomic bombs. It's a miracle!
4. "Miracle on 34th Street" (1994): Out of all of the Santa Claus movies that come out each year, this one is a bona fide classic - even more so than the actual classic, "Miracle on 34th Street," from 1947. It's a film that teaches an important lesson about sex: If you're a child actor who played Matilda and have an adorable lisp, all you have to do is ask Santa for a baby brother and - ta-da! - Mommy's pregnant.
3. Miracle-Gro: Fertilizers, this one in particular, are definitely miracles; they make stuff grow that otherwise probably wouldn't and kill the unsuspecting pets of neighbors. Hey, what's more important: the health of your petunias or old Mrs. Cavell's 16-year-old cat?
2. The Virgin Birth: While most of us wouldn't think it was a miracle if it happened to us personally, when it happened to Mary, she gave birth to the son of God. Whether or not you believe that part of the story, the fact that she got pregnant without, well, you know ... is definitely a miracle.
1. The different densities of ice and water: Ice floats on water! The solid version of H2O (ice) is actually less dense than its liquid form (water), the only material on earth that boasts such an odd dynamic. Without this miracle of science, there would be no ice fishing, ice skating, hockey or satisfyingly cold drinks - not to mention the fact that humans wouldn't be able to inhabit the Earth, because all the lakes and oceans would be half ice from the bottom up.
