This week, we have a showdown of military strength, with Captain John Miller (played by Tom Hanks) from "Saving Private Ryan" (1998), Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Emery) from "Full Metal Jacket" (1987), Capt. "Hawkeye" Pierce (Alan Alda) from "M*A*S*H" (1976), and Sergeant Bilko (Steve Martin) from "Sgt. Bilko" (1996) squaring off.
The first round begins as expected, with Gunnery Sergeant Hartman spewing bilious phrases about the inadequacies of his opponents, most of them involving golf balls and garden hoses. Taking such talk as offensive, Captain John Miller attempts to take on Hartman in a war of words, since he was, after all, a high school English teacher in his former life.
While those two go at it, Sgt. Bilko begins to set up a gambling racket over the results of the match, placing most of his money on Hawkeye.
Back in the other corner, Captain Miller calls in an air raid to take out Sgt. Hartman - he tried it earlier, but his damn hand kept shaking. A few seconds later a score of bombers fly overhead and - with pinpoint accuracy - drop a bevy of explosives on the ornery old drill sergeant making him the first to leave the match.
As the fight gets drawn out, Alan Alda drops his character and takes upon himself to get preachy and try to direct the action in the cage, just as he did with the end of "M*A*S*H," much to the chagrin of Bilko. Unfortunately, Alda is a complete tool and scripts his own death at the hands of Miller, which Captain Miller gladly acts out.
With only Sgt. Bilko and Capt. Miller left, the fighting reaches a lull, since both are really pacifists at heart. Just as the audience thinks that the fight will end in a truce, Freddy Kreuger comes back from last week and kills them both. It's only proof that in war, no one wins ... except horror movie stars ...
-compiled by the Daily Arts Department
