There are very few people in the world that would complain when offered a free concert featuring the hottest selling rapper not named Jay-Z, two critically acclaimed indie acts, and Kanye West's handpicked prot?©g?©. There is a small subset of people who would whine about this free concert and who are known simply as "Tufts students."
The problem isn't that we don't get bands like the Flaming Lips like other colleges - they're about 10 years past their prime anyway. It's that this decision is made by a shadowy cabal deep in the pit of the campus center, known only as "Concert Board" (we hear the only way to gain access to this club is to go to a "general interest meeting" - no word on what the initiation rights are).
The Daily would like to take this opportunity to offer suggestions to this clandestine group, but don't blame us if they actually listen to any of the advice.
10) Guster - Tufts' favorite sons were all lined up to headline Spring Fling for the second year in a row, but the ever persistent Concert Board was unable to get past student dissent. Likely objections were to the fact that the band is currently headlining a European tour and the opening act money would have to be spent flying them to Boston and back. They also could only play at 4 a.m. on a Monday night. Somewhere on the library roof, a hippie is crying.
9) Bubs - Having so few chances to hear a cappella on a college campus, Spring Fling seemed like the perfect venue to hear instrument-less remakes of the oldies we all know and love, but the "Beelzebubs Box Office" in the new music building wouldn't stand for tickets being sold anywhere else, so we'll have to see the Bubs some other time - like maybe at every other Tufts event.
8) Mimes on air guitar - HYPE! will easily deliver a performance more entertaining than T.I., even without lyrics or instruments. Mimes also love mimics, so all sufficiently inebriated Jumbos, prepare to whip out your own Fender air-strad and shred to your heart's desire. And don't for a second be embarrassed; everyone will be too drunk to remember it anyway.
7) Adam Sandler - Sandler will attempt to prepare an entire set of songs rhyming with the word "Fling" (which is pretty difficult seeing as how "spring" is taken). Unfortunately, he warned Concert Board that it's nearly impossible for him to think of any spring-related themes, and would probably just end up playing "The Hanukkah Song" over and over.
6) Bob Dylan - Even though he's only playing in baseball stadiums now, Dylan was set to play Spring Fling, until he explained that he only performs in all black, wearing an ominous-looking cowboy hat. On this condition, Concert Board decided that he'd end up confusing drunken concert-goers into thinking they've seen Johnny Cash's ghost. Plus, you can't expect a mosh-pit to the tune of raspy poetry.
5) Def Leppard - With most of the campus leaning towards mellowed out grooves, opportunities to rock at Tufts are severely limited. Concert Board briefly considered booking the '80s metal masters after some guy hanging out in a parking lot in Davis told them they were "friggin' awesome" when he saw them at the Arena in '87. Unfortunately, after hearing about the history of rain at Spring Fling, the aging rockers feared for their perfectly coiffed hair and backed out.
4) Eddie Murphy - Just to stop him from making bad movies, Concert Board thought that giving Murphy some musical opportunities would lead him in a new direction.
But when he came to audition wearing a fat suit and a wig, and insisted on being put on the bill as "The Nutty Professor," it was clear there was little hope we'd be hearing "Party All the Time" on the President's Lawn.
3) Busta Rhymes - Third time's a charm.
2) R. Kelly - R. Kelly was eager to come to Medford as soon as he heard that there was a strong chance of showers on Saturday. Showers, get it? That joke was submitted by 7-year-old Kelly Johnson of Somerville Elementary, who probably secretly wishes R. Kelly would pee on her. Don't we all. I mean seriously, it's better than Spring Fling being rained out for real, right?
1) Anything country - If you've ever asked someone at Tufts what type of music they like, they'll almost always say "anything but country and heavy metal," which is code for, "I listen to Dave Matthews. Only Dave Matthews."
In an effort to educate the Tufts' student body, Concert Board should book Toby Keith as the headliner, with Slayer as the opener. But its not like Spring Fling is about the music anyways - it's all about finding new, inventive ways to sneak in alcohol.
-compiled by the Daily arts department
