It's been a long time coming, but this week my column is devoted completely to you. Well, not you exactly, but all of the "yous" out there who are generally pretty annoying. So, without further ado, here's the list of people who manage to make even me feel awkward.
Girls who say, "Let's play!" (Ladies, you can make a date with a friend without reverting back to preschool). People who refer to the library as "the libs." Blatant stoners and drug dealers that wear D.A.R.E. T-shirts. People that write mushy love notes to their significant other on their Facebook.com walls.
People with trick answering machines: "Hello? [Three second pause] Just kidding, I'm not here right now." Oh really? I am. Thanks for making me feel like an idiot, buddy.
Girls who call manicures and pedicures "manis" and "pedis." Hairdressers who have bad haircuts. Women who do their lipstick on a bumpy bus ride. Students who come back from studying abroad with an accent. People who say, "I swear we've met before," even though you've never seen them in your entire life. People who find out I'm a comedian and expect me to be funny on the spot.
My grandmother. People my age who are married. Girls I don't know who call me "honey" or "sweetie." Drivers who give me a signal to go ahead, and then honk and give me the finger for "cutting them off." Dudes at parties with backpacks. (Seriously, stop home after work. Relax, wash your face, and put your bag down. You're not helping yourself by carrying around an L.L. Bean knapsack that has your initials on it.)
People that sign greeting cards with their dog's name. White people who blast rap music in their cars, but quickly put their windows up when they pull up next to a black driver. Imbalanced couples where the guy or girl is exceedingly more attractive than their partner to the point where it's painful to look at them together.
Your grandmother. People who sing Journey songs on karaoke night at the bar. People who put Bible quotes in their Facebook profiles right next to 10 pictures of them getting blackout drunk. Girls who wear clothing with writing on it, but give you dirty looks when you try to read it. Guys who wear tank tops no matter where they go. (Buy some sleeves, please.)
People who start conversations with, "I don't mean to offend you but..." and then go on to say the most offensive thing you've ever heard. Girls who talk on their cell phone while running on the treadmill. (Are you serious? I've heard of multi-tasking, but that's just ridiculous.) Guys who say "That's what she said!" after every sentence uttered. (A hint: It doesn't work after, "And then Bill was diagnosed with cancer.")
Bouncers at bars who are obviously struggling to do the math when making sure a patron is over 21. People who went to private schools but find it appropriate to use the words "ghetto" and "ballin'" in everyday conversation. People who shouldn't take their clothes off at nude beaches for the benefit of everyone around them, but who, oblivious to this fact, let it all hang out.
Students majoring in economics who couldn't tell you the definition of the word economics (I've met several). That dude on the sports cast who never played anything beyond little league but still managed to make it onto ESPN with former pros. Kids that wear T-shirts about the genocide in Darfur who couldn't point out Darfur on a map.
The people from the MTV show "The Hills." (I just don't like them. I don't even know why.) People who list a band as one of their favorite musical groups when they only know that one song. Girls I went to high school with who end up on "Girls Gone Wild." (It's awkward when I run into you on the bus to New York. Am I supposed to mention that I saw the video or just kind of tread around it? You don't have to answer. Also I really hope you don't read this.)
I don't mean to offend you all, but ... I had to say it. I hope we can still be friends.
Love,Neil
Neil Padover is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at neil.padover@tufts.edu.
