The season is upon us, boys and girls, to deck the halls, hang the mistletoe, and wage an all-out, blood-spattering hoo-hah of a war on Christmas.
Ever since Bill O'Reilly went on the air and told the rest of us about the plot hatched by liberals everywhere to rob us of our Christmas cheer, good people all over America have been on their guard to protect this most sacred of holidays: the one where we give and receive presents, decorate a tree in our living room, tell the story of magical deer that fly over our houses and a snowman that came to life to celebrate ... I forget what. Something important.
Last year Wal-Mart took the battle to a whole new level, changing its in-store greeting from the festive and jovial "Merry Christmas" to an insipid pronouncement of "Happy Holidays." The response was swift as outraged shoppers stayed away in such large numbers that the mega-chain's profits decreased slightly from the previous year.
This year, thankfully, the legacy of Sam Walton will be one of Christian goodwill as the store returns to its traditional "Merry Christmas" message.
However, it would be naive to assert that the decision is solely about revenue. O'Reilly himself (of the O'Reilly Factor on Fox-a show in which he unremittingly browbeats his guests until they admit that they hate America) has clearly articulated the slippery slope that is embarked upon when Americans who are uncomfortable with such overt religious statements are given even this innocuous victory.
"If you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada," he says, "if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs, like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, and gay marriage."
His frequent guest and fellow Fox News host John Gibson agreed and imparted to those of us who had previously had no idea of the perils of a "Merry Christmas" omission that such a scourge had already ravaged Holland and France, leading directly to drugs and prostitution.
Though it may be perplexing to the uninformed among us that two words could have such power as to halt the merciless march of lawlessness and anarchy, one must understand that Dec. 25 provides fond memories for all Americans-whether we are Christian, joyfully relishing the presents in our homes, or Jewish, joyfully relishing the Kung Po chicken at Mr. Chong's.
Nevertheless, many people just aren't comfortable with the deluge of Christmas paraphernalia adorning American stores and institutions from directly after Thanksgiving until Valentines Day rolls around.
Many people believe that we as a society should be inclusive of other religions and feel that having "Merry Christmas!" fired at bewildered patrons every time a purchase is made is both irritating and disrespectful to people of other religions faiths. Some of us simply believe that Kwanzaa hasn't been getting a fair shake.
Whatever the reason, you can bet that the tireless defenders of Christmas will not rest until each and every one of these people is mercilessly cut down or in some way disenfranchised.
The point of this article, ladies and gentlemen, is not that we should be saying "Merry Christmas" or should not be saying "Merry Christmas."
The point is that the debate has gotten so melodramatic that people actually believe that if Kohl's sticks with "Happy Holidays" this year it will unleash a barrage of sacrilegious debauchery. Young men will fall into the clutches of roving gangs of prostitutes, every teen will have a meth lab in his basement, and intelligent design will be a lost cause.
In the troubled world that we currently live in, it seems a shame that some people cannot find enough things to make them angry and instead turn to the bag-boys at Safeway and F.A.O Schwartz for a source of conflict. If you want to say "Merry Christmas," say "Merry Christmas,"-just don't turn it into a marching tune.
Happy Holidays, everyone.
